What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
ive started feeling like this at the age of nine, i grew up moving from house to house not knowing anyone, my mom left for months on and off after she got into drugs, alchohol, ect.. each time she left it broke me more and more, i was just a kid, my dad left when i was a baby so i know nothing about him, all ive heard is that he wasnt a good man. and then my dad now, not biological but i take him as my dad, he took me and my siblings in as his own, but he also got into alchohol and all that, him and my mom would bring a bunch of random people over in the middle of the night, my older sisters would take us younger ones into a room so we didnt see what was happening, but all i could hear was people arguing, glass breaking, people crying, stuff being thrown around, but i still manged to sleep because i got used to it. but in the morning my parents would either be gone, or passed out on the floor somewhere. id always cry because it felt like i lost them. and then one night my mom left for good, she ran away and got into bad habits, i started growing up not knowing anything about her, ive always missed her growing up, even though i had a lot of hatred for her i still missed having a mom, late at night id always cry for her. and then at the age of nine my older sister tought me how to cut, i still remember the very first time i did it myself, i went into a room, i had a piece of broken glass i found on the floor, i looked into a mirror and thought about how messed up my whole life was, i js stood there as my anger started building up, then i began cutting myself. i still remember all the messed up things my mom did, id light her cigarettes for her, she even use to hurt me as a baby because i cried so much, my sister told me a little about it, one time when i was a baby, she hung me upside down as an attempt to make me stop?? and another my sister found her holding a pillow over my face. i started to resent her more after i found that out, at the age of nine i tried hanging myself in the basement, i use to drink cleaning supplies as a way to punish myself, id put a rope around my neck to the point id almost pass out, and i still cut myself, id also hit myself, pull my own hair, and also slam my head into walls. all that at the age of nine. for 5 years ive been suicidal. im 14 now, gonna turn 15 in 2 months, surprised ive made it this far.. a few months ago my mom even came back into my life randomly, i still hate her for everything shes put me through. shes trying to be all good now and trying to have the rights a mom has, but no. im not letting her be my mom anymore. she abandoned me, she hurt me so much, now i have severe attachment issues and also abandonment issues. last year i almost died from an attempt. i tried overdosing, took 40 pills, why? because my older sister started hurting me physically, it js added onto all the pain i already had, she would punch me, slap me, push me into walls, and she would also choke me. made me bleed so many times. she started doing all that when i was 10. she would always say "were siblings its normal all siblings do this." she would even say i was being "overdramatic" after i took those pills my other sister messaged me saying, "wanna come watch a movie w me? ill tell dad ur sick so u dont have to go to school tmmr" i js stared at the text as i was dosing off, i couldnt stand up, everything kept fading out, she saw that i left her on seen so she told my dad to check up on me because she knew i was suicidal, he came in the room and i was sitting on the floor crying. he kept asking me what was wrong and i didnt answer him, i couldnt js say "im killing myself" so he got mad and my sister came into the room. she closed the door, sat by me and said "did you take anthing?" and i js nodded, she said what did you take? i js gave her the bottle, most of the pills were gone already and she said "how much did you take" and i looked away and said "40" she looked shocked, i broke down crying, she laid me on the bed and told my dad to call the ambulance, he got mad and told her to js make me go to bed, that broke my heart. she called them herself as i was dosing off and she was crying telling me i couldnt sleep. when i got to the hospital i was taken into the emergency room. i was throwing up so much. my body felt like it was shutting down. all the doctors were saying we stuff like "you did this to yourself now you have to deal with it" i js cried some more after hearing that, i kept telling them to just let me die. after a while they left and i js laid in that bed, still felt like i was slowly dying, they said if i didnt get there in time id most likely be dead. after that i js decided to give life one last try. got a little better for a while. im 14 as im writing this and the thoughts have been coming back, i dont have an appetite anymore, i rarely get out of my room, i cry everyday on and off, i feel so miserable, everytime i look in the mirror i hate what i see. im started to hate myself more and more as the days pass. im so tired. i got into alchohol and weed as a way to forget about everything, i sneak out w friends, my family hates how ive been acting but i only do it as a way to get those suicidal thoughts out of my head. i feel its the only way. im scared im gonna end up like my parents. i guess ill just try to enjoy life before it gets too much to handle, i just wonder why me? why was i put though so much at such a young age. why. why me?
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Depression diagnosis (?)
I found out today that I was diagnosed with depression years ago and I was never told. My doctor mentioned it while I was asking for a referral to the mental he...
-
Something Poetic?
I’ve never felt so worthless in all my life. Something so below the line of sanity and standards I’ve never been able to reach. I’ve never felt so lonely...
I am so sorry, it's horrible that you've had to go through so much. I don't know who you are, or what you're like but I know that you deserve to be loved and feel okay. Just know that I'm here if you need to talk :)
Reply