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Why am I like this?
I hate everyone. I stopped answering calls or any messages. I stopped being dependent on people, this isn't me being independent it's me not knowing what to do anymore. I'm so done with life that If I died this second I know I wouldn't mind one bit. A week ago, a car crashed into me while I was riding my bike and I flew off, and so many cars stopped for me, but I got on my bike and sped away. I didn't want anyone to know I don't know. I also just didn't care. A few days ago, I banged my head against my knees because I'm so lost with myself I don't know what to do anymore. It hurt so bad I was sure I was gonna pass out, but I didn't and I kinda wanted to. I kinda stopped texting my boyfriend because even with him, I don't know who I am. With my best friend, I've gotten so distant with her, I haven't texted her for a week. An old friend texted me and I kinda just put it aside and haven't answered. I'm always so fucking mad, yelling at everyone including my parents and I regret it so much but I can't control myself. I yell at everyone to leave me alone and they think I'm joking so I yell louder and call them bad words and they look at me like i'm a monster. My parents want me to go to anger management classes because my "behavior is out of control and came out of nowhere" and I stopped caring about school, there's things called procrastinating but I fully gave up. I don't do my hw, study for exams or test. I sit, listen to music, and watch sad videos over and over again until all the bottled tears come out and I can start over and fill the bottle again until I have to sit in silence, crying softly because even though I'd like to scream on top of my lungs I have to stay quiet so they think I'm fine. I usually never drink water, but now I carry 5 water bottles with me and I just drink and drink and drink. I eat food but very slowly because my body doesn't really want it. I barely sleep and when I do I sleep for almost the whole day. My life is so complicated, please what's wrong with me?
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Hm, maybe you have pent up feelings or there are some things in yourself that you feel frustrated about, but you can't pinpoint it? Chances are, the way you act towards the people around you is more of a reflection of your frustration towards yourself. You can't understand right now how you feel, but you also don't like the way you act around people. Is it maybe you feel disconnected with the world? With yourself? Or maybe some things you just haven't figured out yet. Just try to dig in deeper to what you feel. For now, if you know that you can only hurt people and even yourself in this state that you are in and that you might be pushing people away because of your actions. I hope you take the time to breathe nd really reflect and think what do you really feel and why do you act this way? Are you tired? Are you depressed? How do you feel? Honestly, sometimes there really is no explanation to what we feel, but I hope that you will be able to recognize and acknowledge what are you really feeling or just be able to realize how to deal with how are you feeling right now, because it will help you feel better :))) I hope you don't get offended by my comment, I would just like to say that I have also been there and also seen some people been in that situation before, and it is really difficult, but it does not mean that it won't go away, you can and I believe in you :)
ReplyI would not even begin to try to indicate to you what's wrong with you. I heard someone say once that we need to lose everything, including our enablers, to reach a point where we have nothing to lose, in order to be our best. Since they also say youth is wasted on the young - if we combine these 2 sayings we can conclude that some people work best under pressure. I hope that helps.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and always.
And after our worst deeds - never forget God forgives us when we repent through Christ Jesus.
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