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Dear Father,
I’ll never stop thinking about you. no matter where I am, or where I go. You're always on my mind. More than anything else, more than boys,friends, my brother. You're the most important person to me.
I always wait for that day, the day that I'll be able to live with you again. The day that my sadness goes away. The day that everything goes back to normal. I always dream of it, you know, it never leaves my mind. I even cry when I think about it. I miss the life that I had, I miss you. You know, sometimes I wish I could have had that bond with you. The strong bond between a father and his child. No matter what happens between them, They always stay together. Never leave each other's side, always help each other, and the love that they have for each other. How much they care for each other. I wish I had that bond. That bond could never be broken you might think, but it can. Even though it's strong.
In my opinion we've never had the strongest bond. I mean did you see how you were towards me. I dont think it was that bad but i wouldn't say it was good. You know, I care and love you, but it hurts the fact I tried to be so nice to you and listen, but sometimes i couldn't take your BS.
I was mad, but that still gives you no reason to body shame me and call me horrible names that hurt inside.When you were the one giving me bad food that would make me fat, and wasn't good for me. I knew that you were poor, and the only thing we could eat was fast food, but I saw those stacks of money that you could've used for food or our clothes or even a better place for us to live, but you didn't. You used it on drugs from your friends, now i'm not sure how you go into drugs but for the longest time I knew I would watch you everyday. I wouldn't say anything because it didn't bother me, but when I was about 10 or 11 I started really noticing. Only because you would come in at night in the room with it and you would set it up and sniff it. I was only awake because i could never sleep when you weren't there. I would worry so much, and you probably started to know that when I was 12 or 13 because my hair would fall out badly.
Now look where you are. I knew your friends were bad for you they probably made you do it, but I didnt really like your friends because sometimes it would feel like they would touch me or rape me. You would always tell me to not be outside when they were there, and now I understand why. I didn't understand at that time but now i do and i thank you for that. There's still some things i hated that you did. One of them is the fact that you would always make me clean, and it's not the fact that i didn't want to clean it was the fact that after you would tell me, you would tell me that girls are supposed to clean, and boys are supposed to work. Times are different now, but back when you used to say that I would sometimes brush it off because I knew that like the year you were born people would believe in that, but it was still not okay.
When you would ask for my help on finding tools I would act stupid, and you wanna know why? Because "girls clean” does not work. Carlos believes in that too you know? You could've been friends, but you did something wrong to make him pissed at you. You know I also hated when you would lie,and the whole family knew about your lies, they would tell me "your fathers a liar”.I already know so i just said “i know.”. Yet i didn't like it, but when you would say things that you would do i still believed you. I'm not sure why but I did, and I hated what I did because it still wouldn't happen. One example if you don't remember is that you said you were going to pay the phone bill for me, and Isaac, but you didn't. Me and Isaac would pray that you would everytime you would say it, and you would say it so many times, so sometimes I gave up on believing you, but I would always go back to believing you because I was stupid.
Now i'm not sure if you know, but isaac would “abuse” me. Now I don't want to say it with that word but it felt like aduse, and i know that he was younger then me, and i should be stronger, and i could beat him up but i couldnt. I never wanted to hit him.
I didnt want to hurt him I didnt want to see him cry either. The kids that we lived with im not sure if you remember them but it was two boys and one girl. Isaac would hang out with the boys, and when I got to know them. We all hanged out together. It was great but they started bringing up how they would hear me scream and cry when isaac would hit me. You never knew because you were always at “work”.I didnt want to bring it up. Im not sure why but i just didnt want t, but when the boys at the house would bring it up one of them would tell me to hit back right in front of isaac he didnt care. Isaac would just make comments like “yeah, but ill hit her harder” or something like that. I did tell the boy that i didnt want to hit isaac, but he didnt understand.
One thing im so, so, so, grateful for is sandra im not sure if you remember her but she is so amazing and great. Im so glad i got to meet her, and for her being in my life. She would always fed us after church. She started buying us clothes doing our laundry.
It was great, but i ruined it. “i said too much, and it over flowed”. For some dumb reason i decided to open up to her, and it was about you. How you had guns that you would always shoot, and how you did drugs, and i knew. I just want to say im sorry i dont think this would have happened if i opened up. I trusted her but now i dont trust anyone. I might tell people i do but thats just to make them trust me, but Now when people ask me things and say i can tell them anything, i dont. Because whatever i say will end me. I dont think ill ever be the same, but you know lying is the best thing that has ever been created. You know im a big liar just like you im not sure why but i am. It really dosent hurt to lie, but i dont make people feel bad when i lie like you
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