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I’m back. Still in the same hole I’ve been trapped in for years. Every time I get to the top to escape, I slip and fall back to the bottom. Except, it gets deeper every time I fall. I keep allowing this to happen. How do I keep letting this happen? Why can’t I just climb out?
It’s raining.
The walls are steep, it’s almost impossible to climb out. I’ve tried digging small holes up the wall so I could use them as grips but, the dirt is too soft to grip. There are sharp rocks that stick out of the walls that scratch up my legs as I try to climb. I’ve tried using the roots that stick out of the dirt of the walls as leverage. The roots aren’t strong enough to hold my weight so they snap. I’ve even tried yelling out to someone. No one ever answers. No one knows I’m stuck down here.
It’s still raining.
When I look up all I see is a way out. I just can’t get to it. Water collects at the bottom, soaking my feet. It rains quite often actually.
I’ve begun to cope with the fact that I’ll never escape this damn hole.
A man appeared in the opening at the top of the hole. He yelled down the hole “Hello?! Is someone stuck down there?!”. “Yes! Please help me!!” I yelled back. “I have a ladder. If you trust in me, I will set you free.” He said. Just the thought of freedom from this dreadful hole was enough to trust him completely. With no hesitation I said “I trust you!”
Vulnerable.
He leaves for a brief second or 2, and comes back with a ladder. The ladder seemed too short for this deep hole I was in. “Will it be long enough for me to climb out?!” I yelled out. He said “Just trust me.” In a convincing tone. “Ok. I trust you.” I said, eager to escape. He throws the ladder down and just as I predicted, the ladder was beyond too short to climb out of this hole. I look up at him in disappointment “What now?” I said. “I don’t know.” He said. “Why did you lie?” I asked him. “Because you let me.” He said with no expression in his tone, and walked away.
Foolish.
It’s starts raining a little harder now. I had forgot what the sun looked like, felt like. Here I am at the bottom of this hole, staring at what I thought was my only chance to get out. The ladder. I can feel the hole getting deeper. When I look up, the opening at the top seems smaller than before. Indicating the distance between us is further now. Again.
It’s still raining. Dark clouds fill the sky, leaving no trace of the suns existence.
Another man appears at the opening and says “Are you stuck?! Do you need help?!” I took a second, and said “Yes, but I’ll find my own way out.”
“I have a rope, I can drop it down to you, and you can use it to climb out. You just have to trust in me!” He says. Still wounded from falling for the ‘ladder trick’, I ask “Why should I trust you? How do I know you just won’t leave me here?!”
“What reason would I have to lie to you? I have the tools you need to get out, and I’m willing to help you escape. You just have to put your trust in me completely.” He said, with an interesting tone in his voice. For some reason he sounded more convincing than the last man. Thoughts running through my head ‘What do I have to loose? I’ve got nowhere else to go. Maybe he is being truthful. Maybe he genuinely wants to help me. I should give him a chance. Right?’ Giving him all the trust I had left “ok, I trust you.” I said, a little hesitant this time. He throws the rope down to me and I begin to climb. On the way up I can feel the sun shining a little. Finally! Im going to be set free! I can see this man, he has a tight grip on the rope. He seems as though he is serious and is trying his best to pull me out of this hole. The opening at the top gets bigger and bigger the closer I get. I start feeling the sun a little more once I reached the top. Im almost there, I start reaching for the edge of the opening and the man lets go of his grip on the rope. I begin to tumble my way right back to the bottom of this hole again.
Stupid.
“Why did you lie?! What did I do to deserve this?!” I screamed at him in fury. “You did nothing wrong.” He said. “Then why? Why did you lie? Why did you ask for my trust just to throw it away?!” I asked him. He pauses for a second “Because you let me.” Then walks away.
It’s raining a little harder now. The sun has disappeared. The hole is getting deeper. I can feel it. The opening at the top is smaller.
Still Vulnerable.
‘What am I doing wrong? Is it me? Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I keep trusting these men? Why do I keep falling? I deserve it.’ These are the thoughts running through my head.
Another man arrives. “Hello?! Do you need help getting out of there?!” He yells down the hole. Broken and unfazed by his question, which I heard two too many times already.
“No.”
“Why not? I can get you out! I can climb in and carry you out myself!” He says back. “Why do you want to help me? What do you want from me?!” I yell at him. He looked confused “Why do you think I want anything from you? I’m just a nice, honest man who wants to help someone in need. Shouldn’t that be enough?!” He yelled down the hole. My voice filled with anger “NO! IT SHOULDN’T!! What makes you any different than the man that threw me this short ladder, and the man that threw me this rope?!! Just leave me alone! I’ll find my own way out!” I said, nearly loosing my voice trying to scream at him. He started to climb down into the hole with me, almost falling down. When he reaches the bottom he says “What makes me different is where I’m standing right now. I promise I will climb you out of this hole, you just have to trust me.” I don’t have any trust left to give. Almost convinced “NO!” I yell at him. “How did you end up down here?” He asks. “Well, everything in my life started falling apart and I didn’t know how to deal with it. One day, this hole appeared under me and swept me right off my feet. I’ve been trapped here ever since. Every time I attempt to escape, the hole gets deeper. I stopped trying, until these men showed up offering to help me escape if I trust them. But instead, I just dug myself in a deeper hole.” I explained. With a concerned look on his face, he says “I’ve been stuck in a hole before too. I finally climbed out once I put my trust in the right person to help me get out. “ Intrigued, I asked “How did you know they were the right person?”
“You just have to take a chance, or you’ll be stuck here forever.” He said, with no expression.
‘Should I?’ A thought came into my head.
The rain stopped.
“Just trust in me. I won’t do wrong by you. I know what it’s like to be down here. I can get you out and set you free. You just have to give me a chance and trust me.” He said.
Is that the sun I feel?
“Ok.” Worried, but willing to take the risk. All just to feel the sun a little more. I just want to remember what it feels like. I haven’t felt it in so long.
Desperate.
He threw me over his shoulder and began climbing up the steep wall like a pro. The sun started shining a little bit. Half way to the top. “Are you ok?” He asked through his heavy breathing. “Yes.” I said lightly. “Do you still trust me?” He asks. “Yes.” I answered back. We finally reach the top. He throws me out first, then climbs out the rest of the way. The sun is shining so bright. I can feel my skin absorbing the Vitamin D it has to offer. It’s been that long. I haven’t felt this in years. The wind, gently pounding against my skin. Swimming through my scalp. I turned to face the man “Thank you for helping me, I am forever grateful.” I said through the biggest smile. He takes a step closer to me, grabbing my arms, and throwing my right back inside the hole. Tumbling down, hitting each side of the holes walls. Bruising. Wounded. Once I hit the bottom I start thinking what I may have done wrong to deserve this. ‘Was it what I said? How I said it? Maybe I was heavy for him to carry. Why did I have to be so heavy? I hate myself. This is my fault’
My head held down. “Why? What did I do to deserve this?” I said softly, with hurt. “You did nothing wrong.” He said, Expressionless. ”Why?!” I said throwing my head back to look at him.
No words from the man.
“Was it because I let you?” I asked, hoping to hear something different than what I was thinking. “Yes.” He said and walked away.
It’s pouring now.
The hole is deeper. I look up in hopes of getting a look at the dark clouds in the sky. The hole is so deep, the opening at the top looks like a star in the sky.
It’s still raining, a little harder now.
Making myself myself comfortable at the bottom of this hole I now call home, I can hear a man call to me. I couldn’t see him though. “Hey, is someone down there? Do you need help?!” He yelled. “No.” I say, with no expression. “Well, are you stuck?” He asks.
“No.”
“Why won’t you let me help you?” He asks.
“Why should I? I’ll just end up at the bottom of this hole anyway.” I said, as the water rises to my knees. “I promise I can get you out. I can call someone to help you, someone with a ladder. You just have to trust me. “ He said.
“No need.”
“Why won’t you trust in me to set you free?”
“The last three men I gave my trust to, dug me deeper into this hole. I can’t handle going any deeper.” I said. The water is up to my neck now. I no longer hear the mans voice.
The rain is beginning to feel like the sunshine. The water consumes me. I’m drowning in my own water, but I can still breathe. I look up through the rain. The hole is gone now. I have settled in the hole. My hole.
Get it?
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Yeah
ReplyThat negative thinking, that "why should I" let you help me kind of thinking, that self-fulfilling prophecy of "I’ll just end up at the bottom of this hole anyway" kind of thinking - - it will keep you at the bottom of the hole every. single. time.
ReplyYou're a powerful writer. To successfully get out of the hole, you'll have to keep trying: settling into the darkness won't help. Best of luck to you.
ReplyBut it is safe here...
ReplyIt is safe in this pit, but if we don't get out we'll starve to death.
Reply