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For four years I've been fighting depression, at least I think it's depression. I've never really gone to a councillor, once or now and then, but not for a long period of time.
I've been battling it, and denying that it is a part of me. I wish so much that it wasn't true.
I've pretended and ignored all of the signs that I've shown of depression.
I have weeks of happiness that eventually collapse into feelings of hopelessness and loneliness.
Nothing is interesting, entertaining or fun. It's sort of like sitting waiting for time to pass, and then I feel guilty and sad because I'm wasting my life doing nothing.
I hate feeling like I'm wasting my life. My environment is very under stimulating . My family doesn't do anything and I feel we are all living under a dark rainy cloud all the time. My mother is in Facebook 24/7 and when I visit my dad, he is either on the computer on eBay or watching tv. and my brother I'm sure is depressed as he is always locked in his room on his computer when he isn't at work or drinking with his friends.
I have no motivation for the future, I feel I have no support. My mom believes in me, yet she can't help me get to where I need to be. She can't help me do anything because most of the time she is clueless herself.
I have no one to talk to, my mom says the same thing no matter what I talk to her about. "Think positive thoughts" and "only you can change the way you feel"
Only I can't. If could change the way I feel I would be happy And motivated, not sad , lonely and frustetatingly empty.
I have never called or labelled myself as depressed until recently, I think I've always been depressed even as a young child, I've always been negative it's as if I was programmed to Be depressed .
I've had suicidal thoughts at the age of twelve, and the. For a few years they went away.
In grade 8 everything changed and I lost now of my friends, they moved to other groups and then I started to disconnects from people.
I built a wall around myself and fuccused completely on school and books. My friends got farther and farther away.
After a few years, I got a bit better from time to time. Grade ten was my golden year, I was mostly happy. The. Grade eleven came and for a while I was content. Not really happy, not quite sad though.
Then it began to get worse. I began to feel nothing, numb as if all my ability to feel emotion had been stolen.
From then it moved to sadness,loneliness and hopelessness. Then my mood would lift and I would become happier, extremely confident and I felt good for once. Yet in the back of my mind, something lingered and I couldn't quite enjoy my happiness. It's like knowing a storm is going to happen but not know when so you are always waiting for it to all crumble.
Last week was my good week, now it's all crashing again/
Nothing I do feels good, and I don't know how I can get help, even the councillors I call won't call me back . It's as if it is as sign of how hopeless my situation is. I don't have anyone to help me, and I don't think I can pull myself out of this again.
Suicidal thoughts play around in my head, I don't know how I managed this long. I'm so scared sometimes. I think I want to but I can't hurt my mom like that. I think once my family is gone, so am I .
Because there is no one left , nothing to keep me here.
I don't know how to end my life painlessly, and I think sometimes I just want someone to know how much I hurt sometimes.
I'm scared that I'll chose to kills myself and then realize I that I actually don't want to but it will Be too late. I don't know what to do.
I feel caged because no one can help me, my own parents, no councillor will call me back, and I can't pull myself out of this again.
Sometimes I feel I'm good and that I don't need help, but the. I fall and I don't see the point of life.
If I could find a painless way, something I knew. 100% would work and not leave me half alive is do it I think.
The scariest part is in less than a few years i will be on my own, and I have less than a year to get help so I can continue on with my life .
I feel so much anger and hate,
I hate this world.
You go to school so you can work for your whole life until you die, why do I want to be a slave to society? Why can't I just speed up the process And skip being a slave.
I don't know anymore:
I'm a coward who is to scared to kill myself because I don't know what's next.
I wish I had one good friend I could talk to . And I know there are a lot of people who would say that I'm blind to the ppl who care about me, but I know I don't have anyone.
I go to school and read, the. On homr and state at a a screen until I go to bed. I hate social situations cause they are so awkward and I have nothin to say, I've done nothing my whole life .
I have more to say but I can't keep writing this now, I'm scared I might convince myself to all the reasons of why I sdont want to live anymore
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I know how you feel. I have felt suicidal pretty much continuously since 4th grade. i don't feel anything. its like i am already dead inside so why not be dead on the outside. but then i think about all the things i still want to do in my life. I want to go skydiving, scuba diving, fall in love, have sex, ect. That gives me just enough motivation to stay alive. antidepressants have helped a little so i would suggest you think about that. i am also in counseling but i havent found that to help stop my depression, apathy, or suicidal thoughts but its nice to have someone to talk to. but if you need to talk to someone, i am here and i totally get you
ReplyHang in there, the first step is admitting you need a support structure and help. The second step is wanting this help and reaching out and seeking this help. Only good things can come from it.
ReplyI've tried reaching out, no councillors or therapists have called me back
Recalled then again and still silence
ReplyI wish I could offer you some small comfort in saying that it will end once you end. It won't. The unbearable truth is that if you decide to take your own life, then someone else will suffer. It may be a friend, an acquaintance or maybe even family (brother, sister, mother, father, grandmother etc.). Your being becomes theirs, exemplified by the fact that they feel as if they have /failed/ you. I know this sort of pain, pain of knowing despite all your efforts you were not strong enough. 4 very close friends of mine have killed themselves within approximately 9 months of each other. 4. 4 friends that had so much to live for, the whole world ahead of them, yet they thought there was no other possible option than to end it.
I miss them. I really, really do. There is so much I want to say and so much anger I need to release onto them because they did a horrible thing, not only to themselves but to me.
I've suffered myself. I've had depression, serious depression (coupled with suicidal thoughts) for about 6 years now. I'm 21. I don't take medication any more and neither do I see a counsellor about my issues. I could have ended it an unbelievable amount of times, but I didn't. And neither should you. Ever. There is ALWAYS something to live for, no matter how small. You have a favourite brand of cereal you wanna eat tomorrow? DO it! Is there a new video game coming out in a few months? WAIT for it. And this is excluding friends and family. You may not feel like it but someone ALWAYS loves you. Someone will ALWAYS be there for you. I promise. You can do this. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
You CAN do this.
You ARE beautiful.
I believe in you.
Do not give up.
ReplyI have never read anything so accurate to how I feel about. I tend to tell myself I am alone during this shitty part of my life. Until I read something like this and it is almost as if I wrote it myself. I just don't understand why people like you and me can't be in the same place geographically. Because then we could be alone together, socially awkward together, we could just be friends and help each other out. Although I don't know you, I want you to keep living.
Reply