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The negativity I flood my mind with is overwhelming to the point where being dead would feel more liberating than trying to fight it every day. I look at myself and I don't know where I'm going. I always picture the worst case scenario in my mind with anything that I do. Right now, I say I want to be a nurse, and here I am studying for an entrance exam and thinking to myself "I did awful on these practice exams, I keep studying, but I'm probably going to fail" or "what's the point of being a nurse when I have epilepsy? I probably wouldn't be able to make it to class because I can't drive anywhere far". This is hell on earth to me. Nobody truly understands how awful this is to live with, and yes it is self-inflicting. I do this to myself because I don't feel like I deserve the good in life, I don't feel like I deserve my boyfriend or my family, or my friends. I feel like scum. I hate myself so much, that's why I have no confidence.
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it sounds like you're stuck in a negative pattern of thinking. until you decide to make changes, you're going to feel as defeated as you do right now. your negative self talk will become a self fulfilling prophecy. whether you think you can or you think you can't, you'll be right.
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