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I miss you, but I can’t love you the way you deserve. I fell for you so hard and you made me incredibly happy. I remember the weird ways you used to express your appreciation for me; at the time I had no idea how to respond but it still made me smile. You doodled a lot back then. You would doodle me little cartoons of us on an almost daily basis; I fucking loved those doodles. I used to look back over them a lot just to remember how happy they made me but I can’t pinpoint when I stopped doing this.
You were so happy back then; there was no stress. You seemed so at peace with everything most of the time; everyone has their days. You would send me videos during your lunch period. You were always eating alone in an empty classroom and talking to me about any given thing on your mind that day. Sometimes you’d tell me how much you loved me and appreciated me, other times you’d talk about your day or something that you had been thinking about. I fucking loved those videos. Your giggles and facial expressions, your passion when talking about something that you found interesting, the way you talked with your hands and stumbled over your words when talking about me. You never failed to make me incredibly happy.
I would send you videos of me ranting about things while I was high. You would giggle and tell me how cute I was. We adopted a fish and named him Dylan; he was the prettiest boy! We both loved him so much- I would send you daily videos of him so you could tell him you love him. You once encouraged me to doodle something for you. I remember telling you that it wouldn’t be good at all. You said you would love it and you did. I told you writing was more my thing and you loved that. I would write stories about us, living a perfect life together and doing cute things. They made you so happy that I got back into writing just for you. I wanted so fucking much to make you happy, you deserve it.
I fell in love with how passionate about art you were. What started as doodles turned into sketches and drawings that took days or weeks to complete; this is when you stopped showing me your art. Then you started painting, photography, any form of art you hadn’t already tried. You had to perfect your portfolio for art college. You started putting so much of yourself into your art that it seemed like it was sucking the life out of you. It seemed like you spent a lot of time working on your art pieces but you never finished any of them. You had let something you once loved so fucking much turn into an almost chore-like obsession. You started stressing so much over being perfect that you ruined your ability to appreciate your own talent. You are so incredibly fucking talented. You just took something you love too far. You ran yourself into the ground with your one real love.
What’s ironic is while you were doing that, I was running myself into the ground over college as well. My first year was so easy for me, I was happy and motivated to do my work ahead of time. I made the dean’s list both semesters; I was so fucking proud of myself. Then sophomore year started and my depression came back. I tried so hard to keep my head above the water, but eventually I could no longer feel the ground under my feet; this is when I gave into it. I didn’t realize it until just recently but I let what could’ve been just a few rough weeks turn into a downward spiral of depression.
At this point, we had broken up once and gotten back together after just a month. I had told you that I needed to get my shit together; you told me you would do the same. It worked for a while- almost like a reset button. But things weren’t the same this time around. We no longer sent each other cute videos or doodles or stories; now we just talked. Not that talking is a bad thing. Eventually we both fell back into our own depression once again.
I stayed with you for a month longer than I intended because of how depressed you were. I feel so fucking horrible about that. I made you think that I was still invested in you romantically for so long. I’m so fucking sorry for that. I still love you and I probably always will, just not the way you need me to; not the way you deserve. I’m sorry I broke your heart, it broke me when I saw how much I had hurt you. You still mean so fucking much to me. I still want you in my life but I think it would cause you pain to do that; I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I just want you to know I still love you in such a way that I’m not sure I will ever not love you.
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Oh my God this letter =(
ReplyDon't feel sad about it, she's doing so much better without me. I am happy for her <3 I may be sad still but I will live. Thank you for the comment though <3
ReplyI read your letter and I felt goosebumps all over my body, I guess it's because when you read you can sense the love you have for her. I loved your story with her so beautiful. I wanted to thank you because this was a reminder that love truly exists and we must treasure every minute of it. 💕 Best wishes.
ReplyThank you for reading it <3 I'm glad it could make you feel things
ReplyTrust me I felt everything by reading it! Treasure those memories
ReplyIt hurts so bad to relate so much. I'm so sorry you're going through this, just keep on going no matter how hard it gets...hopefully I'll learn to take my own advice. :)
Reply