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"I just need to let it all out" yet everything I want to say has never be spoken before. "And here's your opportunity" was all she managed to say, but I cant be too harsh on her when she's the only one that ever listens. I know right now what's best for me and voicing my thoughts validates them. Tight, frigid breaths through my nose and out my mouth, "here goes nothing."
"Ill tell you what I want, I want to be so happy, that I cant even contain my thoughts and I want to be so creative that my mind runs with the wind and my ideas blossom with the further thought of what something can be. Not just what it is. I want to be able to look so deep into something that regardless of what it is I can either see it's potentially though no one else can, or I can help it prosper more than it already has. I want to be so intelligent that when I sit down to lay my thoughts out on paper I don't get caught up in the fine tuning. I want to be never endlessly confident, confident in what I'm doing, what I want to do, where I want to go, and with or without the people I thought I'd have standing by my side. I want to show myself the love I'm busy showing everyone else but not in a selfish way. I want to appreciate who I am for what I am. I want to be able to see myself succeed and feel nothing but pride and bitter joy. I want to be able to see my growth as a person and in my personality, I want to feel so grounded with the earth that my toes are like the roots of a tree burrowing themselves into a safe place, yet still one with the sky free to do whatever I want with the wind gusting through my hair reminding of the bigger earth that surrounds me not just the earth that I'm so deeply seeded within. I want to be everything I am and more. There's still so much more. So much more I want to do and still so much more I want to learn. But as much I want all of this, I have to learn to love what i already have because I'm not getting anywhere with what I have right now and the only thing I feel everyday is a wanting for something and maybe it's just to slowly slip away where none of this matters. But I know for a fact I want more. and I know I'll always want more. Even if there's no more to want."
I said this while my eyes were locked on the ground occasionally squeezing them shut, watching people watch me has never been my thing. Looking up at her tear filled eyes I feel overwhelmed like I’ve said too much. Our eyes locked and I can tell she understands the unspoken, the unspeakable and everything in-between.
Just as quickly as I blurted this all out I realize how full of emotion and how everything I’ve been meaning, wanting to say just came out. Though it was an emotional tidal wave my legs still feel locked in place like hardening honey but the fire in my chest burns in my legs. I’m running the meadow grasses lightly running with my legs the sun from the summer day, browning my skin ever so slightly. The evening breeze has begun and my notebook along with my pencil is in near sight. The field granny, my granny, always knows how to bring out my inner self. She’s my supporter, my friend, my enemy, but most importantly she’s my grandma the one who listens and at the end of the day that’s what it comes down to. The love she has for me, and the love I have for her, the fuller each page in my notebook grows, and the more I learn about myself even I meant for it happen or not.
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