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I write this to share my thoughts and experience anonymously.
Short background
I grew up in a single parent family, my dad is not a suitable role model when he finally did re-enter my life and I never had a role model. My mum as best she tried was not equipped to raise me to meet the modern day requirements a man must meet (she did the best she could and I am lucky to have her)
Girlfriend
I met a girl online and fell deeply in love with her, we had this intense and amazing connection. Much more than could ever be described. I'm 36 and have dated solidly for over 10 years so I know the connections i have with women, this was something else. She is an escort and just came out of a 9 year relationship I was her 3rd boyfriend.
After about 5 months we went from texting and chatting daily to barely talking and her ignoring me. I requested she text me back and text me properly rather than the 2 words odd she would text back. She ignored and carried on doing what she wanted.
I also suspected someone else was in the background in our relationship. She has always denied this but my gut was going absolutely crazy. This sudden change and uncertainty about her and her lies really ate away at me and my core.
After about 3 months of this I was a wreck, but I didn't let her see this and tried to carry on but inside I was. We would have small arguments and I felt so unable to defend myself effectively. I just couldn't call on the strength as I had none. I was covering it up that I had none.
Little by little the arguments and her tantrums increased and me unable to set boundaries, just to weak. After a while I'm pretty sure she realised this (I was weak I admit) and began disrespecting me and taking me for granted and not making an effort.
After a while I realised she wasn't making an effort and I raised it with her that she is taking me for granted, I had half efforts from her and not much commitment from her so I stopped making an effort and started pulling back. This didn't go well and she started blowing up massively.
Then she would complain that I wasn't showing her enough affection (I was pulling back) and then I would go closer to her and try to hug her but she would push me away (physically) this 3 times and on the 3rd time I said that was enough and I was going to end it.
Now usually before I make a decision I put time in there to allow myself to calm down and make a logical and not emotional decision. After a month apart we met up and she was all in love with me and promising to change. She did make an effort and did exactly what I wanted, in fact she was what she was supposed to be in a girlfriend but the damage was already done.
So i broke it off and then tried to be friends and we argued again, with her being disrespectful to me and as I hadn't healed properly from all the crap I took on before I couldn't musta the power to hit back (verbally) again my fault but in my defence this isn't somewhere I have been before in a relationship and the connection we have is so intense its like a drug !
Anyway a short story, I allowed this girl to disrespect me and I didn't set boundaries properly or be willing to enforce them. She wanted me to be a man very badly and she still loves me now. But when she tested me as a man I couldn't stand up and be one.
It pains me so much as I could've spent the rest of my life with her and it was so easy to love her. My heart used to sing to her I had so many ways I wanted to she her love. But I didn't step up when the time came.
In this relationship I do feel I couldn't properly defend myself and I was up against the odds. I was only her 3rd boyfriend, she lacked basic experience in life and being in a relationship so I felt at times like I was raising her as a child (lazy incompetent and had no idea who she was).
she was an escort ( seeing the pictures on her twitter page used to kill me inside) this partly became and obsession and gave me immense levels of anxiety seeing her with a new guy each time. I had no idea what this was doing to me, I knew about the job as she told me and agreed to let her continue doing it as I thought it would be good sexual experience for her (most of the clients are 45+) and also she had debts and no real job.
She said she had depression about March time which is when the texts and phone calls all dried up and I felt she was seeing another guy. In hindsight I'm pretty sure she met someone else that was able to give her a new sexual experience I wasn't giving her and was stronger and more experience than I was. She jumped on him as she was so inexperienced any new sensation for her she would crave it. Most women at 27 have done most of the sexual things they want to and know a lot more about them selves.
So for me I'm judging her and the relationship with the experience I provide for her, yet with someone else in the relationship her sexual experience and behaviour massively escalated way beyond what I had introduced her to this massively ate away at my core and and her lying and denial just killed me. Yet I loved her so much I couldn't physically or mentally break that bond the love was just too intense!!
I learned some seriously amazing lessons.
1. Do not be afraid to set boundaries and stick to them not only in a relationship but in life.
2. Do not be afraid of conflict in fact it is necessary so that the woman can feel that you are the man and she is the woman. Otherwise if you back down she will sense weakness and all that effort to build attraction will be lost in seconds. Women want a strong leader and want to follow a strong leader. They want it, they will test you as they want to find out if you are the real deal. You have to pass those tests and stay strong.
3. Any sign of disrespect should not be tolerated, there should be a clear strategy in place. 1st place sit down and talk and then state the consequences what will happen if it happens again. Ideally she should feel pain so she knows that she cannot attack and get away with it.
4. Know my worth as a man I do my job which is being the man and she does hers.
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I certainly believe that we must set boundaries, have high self esteem and value, and not tolerate disrespect, and be strong independent leaders, however this should be applied to both genders. I believe that both people in a relationship should have equal authority and not only that, submit to each others needs.
If you love someone, you can not control them.
Good relationships should feel good. If thats not the case, then Id say theres most likey an issue somewhere in one's relationship.
To conclude, Im sorry for your pain, I hope things get better for you.
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