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I think of death everyday!
The first time I thought of it, I crumbled to the ground crying, unable to breathe, my chest was caving in, I felt sick, and I kept repeating ‘I’m better off dead’
The more I said it, the worst the pain got, the more I cried, the less breathes I could catch.
I thought about writing letters for my family, especially for my nieces (Christ I love those girls), explaining why I can’t be here! Thinking of the words to write caused me much more pain & tears & still, I’m unable to breathe!
Is this it? Am I gone? Has the life been sucked out of me?
How did it come to this? How did my life become so meaningless?
I once loved life, I loved waking up, getting up at 5.30, because getting up an hour earlier meant an hour more of life.... I’ll sleep when I’m dead attitude!
Now, all I want to do is sleep. Now, I want to be dead.... at least I think so!
Surely the fact I think of death everyday means it’s what I want, right?
But then, the fact I’m still here means I want to fight, right?
I don’t know!
I can’t seem to answer any question I have.
I think of death everyday!
My life is not what it used to be, 16 months of grief is sure to change you.
I was once so sure of myself, so sure of life and what I wanted to do, what I wanted to achieve, who I was going to share it all with.... and now, I don’t know shit!
I don’t know how I get through some days, I don’t know how I get out of bed in the mornings!
Now, I’m a fake... majority of those that know me (truly know me) know how much I love (loved) life, how I wake (woke) up chirpy & singing about how great it is to be alive, and adoring sunrises and preaching about gratitude for life, for who & what you have in it... everything from family & friends to working limbs & organs etc.
I would preach the shit out of it.
Now, I think of death everyday!
Not a single soul around me knows I’m suffering, they know I’m sad, for all I’ve been through, but they don’t know how deep this is... because I’m a fake! I’m acting like my normal self, well the best I can, and I’m doing a pretty good job of it, because new people entering my life see the girl everyone else knows, the happy chirpy loving life girl, the girl who wants the best for everyone, wants everyone to see how amazing they are, to see how much they bring to the world & the lives of others, the girl who wants the world to get along and be happy... they see all that, that’s how I know I’m pulling it off!
Don’t get me wrong, I still want all that for everyone, I’m not that far gone from emotions!
As much as I try for everyone to see that in themselves, I’ve lost it for myself! I don’t see my self worth anymore, it’s been ripped from me.
Not a soul knows I cry every day... every single day. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m tired!
I think of death everyday!
The love I have for my family is what has me here still, I can’t imagine putting them through pain. As much pain as I’m in, I rather be the one to suffer, than them suffer the pain of losing me.
But still, I think of death everyday!
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You sound like you have worked so hard your whole life. You don't deserve to feel this way. I hope you can find some stress relief or get some help. You shouldn't stay silent. If you can't trust someone to know your emotions, see a therapist. Life can be better than before
ReplyTo think of death in the way that you are means you are tempted to give up this fight you are in.
Life ain't about not gettin' hit. It's about seeing how hard you can get hit and still get back up. Nobody hits harder than life, itself. And it will beat you to your knees and it will keep you there if you let it.
Thinking of death like this means you're thinking of not getting back up.
Keep fighting. Not just for yourself, but your nieces who absolutely love their aunt.
ReplyDon't you get it! You keep getting up until you can't anymore! Everyone has their limit....I have reached mine....
ReplyPlease don't say that. You are limitless. You can achieve anything. You can get through this and be better for it.
ReplyYou don't understand !
Even though I had a very tough ...well horrible childhood ...I came to realize that even so...it is up to me to make it better..and I did! Maybe not to your standards...but to mine!
I have never asked much out of life....the little I had ...taken away.
ReplyAnd you think that's reason to stop fighting? When I lost the woman I loved, I was done with fighting. I fell to the floor, sobbing, and begged God to kill me because I didn't have the balls to do it myself. Clearly, he said no. And for good reason. After I got over her and the heart ache I felt, my life was completely turned over and I've never been this peaceful.
My point is, you must keep fighting.
The only people who lose a the fight with life are the ones who forfeit and take their own lives. The winners are the ones who go peacefully. Life wants us to die miserably and if we go peacefully, it lost and we won.
I didn't have much, myself. But I made due with what I had. And I'm a much better person for it.
It's time to decide...
Will you continue to fight and one day win or forfeit all that you have now and instantly lose?
Reply