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Being in love is like looking into a cracked mirror, you’re looking back at yourself, you just look different. This is why loving yourself is so important. Our growth together and apart depend on our ability to love in times of crisis. What happens so much of the time is that someone gets hurt; words are exchanged maybe a strong arm hold, a slap across the face, even silence. There is more than one form of violence.
I am crying, heaving, snotty. Looking at him makes me hurt a bit more. I cry. He holds me. I love him. He moves aside as I take in the view at the window, the trees calm me. I decide I will be happy with him, with the time I have with him, however long it is. I love him. I love him very much. My heart weeps, I think of his face, I think of not being able to hold his face, touch his chest, his hair. I see him coming towards me, he stops sudden looking at me. I make him sad. I am upset with myself for this. I am upset that I hurt him with my love. I am upset that he may leave me, that he won’t get a job.
It comes down to a job. He’ll then have a visa. I’m not marrying him, he knows it. I’ve told him. I need him to work out his own problems, and I am here, rooting for him.
He smokes too much. So do I.
I haven’t been to an Al-Anon meeting in a while.
I still haven’t received my payment for the last film I did.
My babysitting jobs are dwindling because I’ve been traveling so much recently.
I am low on cash.
I keep powering down my phone only to restart it and check for messages.
I am noticing my negativity. My stomach is sore, my head aches a bit, my breath is choppy. I change my breathing, thinking of the exercise. Thinking of Amma. Thinking about the talk I just
had with my mom. I am loved. He loves me. He loves me very much.
He calls me.
Our cultures are so different.
I am upset. He doesn’t read my silences. I can’t believe I expect him to. I repeat my questions. He answers.
I want him to say something, something to comfort me. I don’t know what. He tells me to have a good night, that I’ll see him soon and that he loves me. I love him, too.
I feel alone without him.
I feel so alone without him.
I can’t believe I’ve ever been without him. I miss him.
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