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So it may be a basic question, but the majority of my life has been focused around the concept.
You know what feeling empty feels like? Raw instinct. That’s the problem. That’s my problem. Everyone is just a bunch of chemical reactions. Words mean nothing. I’m me, ergo I can only see out of my eyes. I know that I exist purely for this reason, so, what about others? I don’t believe anyone exists in this world aside from me.
I’ve done some sick things in this life, and nothing has ever made me remorseful in the slightest. Why? Because who’s to say that the ones affected actually were hurt in my head, because I can’t feel their hurt. This is because I’m me.
This is the problem. No amount of therapy, love, sadness or joy can fix it because emotion doesn’t exist. I wish it did, but I’d happily do everything all over again, and savour the screams as I have once.
Do I like the need for violence, stimulation and thrill? No. It’s complete impulse. Everything I say to anyone is impulse. I don’t know what I’m saying half of the time, though I know it makes my other do as I’d like in that moment, but it’s not my fault. It’s controlled solely through impulse.
So another question? Do I enjoy this? No, I don’t. Racism, misogyny; they’re fun. In my brutal honesty, I think we all feel that hurting and offending others is fun, however, we flagrantly suppress the animalistic instinct as a tribute to our humanity. My desire is solely to feel normal; to feel something aside from this. My desire extends to abandoning my need for control; abandoning my warped morales and inhumane ethics.
Though I’ll never understand, what does everything really feel like. I see it all around me; mimicking it perfectly everyday to have someone next to me those cold nights. Nonetheless, I can’t understand it. Mimicking doesn’t mean it clicks as a reaction for me. Love, happiness, sadness. What is it that influences us in this manner?
That’s all I really yearn for now. I know my strength, smarts, looks and money, albeit, I don’t know my humanity, nor my virtues.
I request answers to these questions, if and when possible.
Many thanks to all who have taken the time to read this.
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