Don't know what to do.

So I'm 27 and F and I feel ashamed to say that I secretly self harm and cut when things get too much or when I feel sad. If not I drink til I feel numb or do other stupid things; I think because I don't care or I just want to feel something other than what I am feeling. Which feels like pain. I am terrified of facing my thoughts and memories sometimes and my I go between feeling like I should get help to feeling like I should just quit being a baby and pull myself together and the fact that not many people know and that I act so well makes me sometimes think well maybe I am just fine and overreacting. We all have different ways to cope and I'm not always sad and bad. But the days that I am, I don't feel like I'm me. Today and yesterday I felt like that. Is it okay that 98% I want to die? Is it okay that the thoughts of self harm and killing myself enter my head frequently? That today I was smiling though I can amongst feel the invisible noose around my neck and cutting my throat right now feels like it would be such a relief? I don't know. I don't know how to explain it or why I feel it. It almost feels like I should be happy? Why am I not happy? I don't know. And in the moments of self harm I don't even think about reaching, I have a one track mind. And the 2 friends I have told just don't understand why I do this and why I can't reach out during this period. I've been given a crisis number, I stood on my balcony and I wanted to jump but didn't. At what point do you call a crisis number? I don't think I would deserve to call that number, what if they think i'm just wasting their time, what if I can't change. I wouldn't actually jump and if i did I wouldn't be calling the number, i would try to make it so nobody knew I was even gone or where to find me. I would die alone.