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sometimes, i think about ending it.
and by sometimes, i mean all the time.
the weight of the world is too much. it pushes down on my eyelids in the morning. it sits on my chest so i become short of breath. it scratches at my door at night, the floorboards bending underneath its feet. i tell people i feel claustrophobic in a parking lot, because that is the only way i can describe my unease. i feel it in a warehouse. i feel it on the asphalt next to the train tracks at 11:32 at night. this is something i have struggled to live with. this is something we are all struggling to live with. but some of us crumble under the weight. they are not cowards. they are not seeking attention. they are not weak. they are just looking for help because nobody is offering them any.
i believe this to be the truth. we are all sad, in one way or another. but, like many struggling along with me, there are things that keep me going. things that are sometimes so microscopically small that some people never learn to appreciate their importance, but there are people out there whose lives suckle on a smile and whose futures balance tiptoe on the laughter of a child. those small things become the only things keeping us going. so, below, is a list of things that keep me going, whether small or large. i encourage you all to do the same, either in the comments or in your heads. it's a beautiful thing to read what makes another person smile.
what follows is what makes me happy. what follows is my lifeline.
the color yellow.
the way leaves blow in the wind in the fall, and the little tornadoes they make on the asphalt.
the way steam curls out of a warm mug.
cicadas in the summer.
seeing-eye dogs.
the smell of a puppy.
putting on socks and sitting in front of a fire.
the gentle crunch of biting into a roasted marshmallow.
the smell of baby powder.
when he runs his fingers through my hair.
the way someone talks when they are excited to tell you something, and you get excited with them even though they haven't even told you yet.
the little "brrp?" of a cat waking up.
freckles.
a saturday morning with the windows open and the curtains blowing.
wearing huge hoodies, leggings, tall socks, and boots every day during the winter.
the squeak-noise snow makes when you step on it when it gets really cold.
the way a person's nose scrunches up when they smile.
the way he feels through his shirt.
sushi.
screaming song lyrics in a car on a highway.
when my dog gets super excited to see me and she wiggles her whole body.
the way the town hall bell chimes the time.
the sound of water trickling slowly through rocks.
how i smell like him after we kiss.
snuggling under the covers in the late morning.
getting girl scout cookies.
when watermelon juice drips down your chin.
sleeping in a thunderstorm and feeling the windows shake when the thunder gets loud.
vanilla.
taking a long shower and watching the steam fill up the room.
painting my nails.
the way he draws circles in my palm when we hold hands.
sunflowers.
what keeps you from ending everything...
?
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i live for the moments in life where you can't express your emotions. fear, sadness, anger, love -- they all come accompanied with that queasy-stomach feeling....
The only thing keeping me is a promise :/
Reply:(
ReplyFor a while I wondered why I'm still here and I think I finally figured it out.
The thing that's always brought me the most joy in life is seeing others happy. So if I can't feel happiness from myself, I try and surround myself with happy things and people.
Like the happy (though at times obnoxious) yapping of my dog every time I walk in the door. Or the smile of my crush at my feeble attempts at humor. Or a bouncy piano melody. Or warm hugs from my best friends, or cranberry sweaters, or the smell of saltwater in the air, or a million other things.
Reply:)
ReplyThe hope that out will actually be ok 1 day.
Hope my 20yr old will beg to speak to me again.
Hope not too miss my youngest graduation. My oldest didn't want me at hers.
Hope is actually the only thing keeping me going.
I want to go. I'm ready. I've accepted my fate....alone, I've accepted noone loves me for who I really am. I won't ever be worth the truth spoken from a lovers lips. All they ever done is lie to me. . Love. Compassion. Compromise. Communication... blah blah blah
I don't want to go...i don't want to miss my children having children. I dont want them to think it's their fault. I dont want to not know my grandkids... even tho i can not handle the whinning crying tantrums. I have no mind for it anymore.
Idk how u do it. But the hope OF hope about my kids r the only reason i still breath.
U my friend.... u should become a writer if ur not already... I think that is a path u could use to ur benifit. U obviously know how to use description. Ur words are like starting a new book. I beleive ur talent is there.
Replythank you for this sad-but-beautiful comment. i've been staring at it for a while wondering how to respond to such an emotional piece, and i can't find the words to express the happy-sadness i feel. i am happy because you, after all the stress and anger and loss you have been through, are still alive and strong. i am sad because you don't see that strength. i believe hope is one of the strongest emotions a human can feel, and i need you to see that. your soul is strong, even if you feel like the rest of you is not. you can make it through this, and come out the other side even stronger. your children will always be yours, even when they act like they don't want to be. let them know that they can reach out to you for anything, whether small or large. remember, you are a child of someone else, too. we all are. and we all know what it's like being in a family. there are hardships, but there are also good experiences that one never forgets. cherish those, because some people don't have enough of them.
thank you, also, for your compliment on my writing. you are very kind, and it made my day reading that. it is my dream to become a journalist one day, but i am only 17, so that dream is in the far future for me.
stay strong.
--sunflower
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