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Just some anxiety this morning
4 years ago · · Anxiety,
I always seem to get a bit of anxiety before going to crowded places. Today I'll be going to a festival with my mother. Its downtown which already makes me uneasy. But to make matters worse, my mom and I recently had a bit of a...disagreement? I don't think that is the right word... So let me paint you a picture of what happened recently to make this anxiety even worse.
I've known a long long while that I never wanted to have children, and recently I scheduled my sterilization surgery. My husband and mom seemed fine with it, but two nights ago, my mother broke down in tears in front me saying that she "feels like she is mourning the death of a child who was never even born." She stood there sobbing for a good while telling me that its my choice and she knows I've made up my mind, but she says I'm going to be missing out on so much by not choosing to become a parent.
Before I get off on a tangent, arguing my case to you guys...
I didn't know she felt this way - I thought she was supportive of my decision and that it didn't matter to her but I guess I was wrong. I bluntly said "Well this makes me feel guilty." So she tried to make me understand that she was over it, and she's come to terms with it... (obviously not!) And that I shouldn't feel guilty. But that didn't make the guilt go away.
I've thought about this ever since she said those words and I just feel like this decision of mine can possibly damage our relationship, if it hasn't already. I was always worried that it would be my husband to suddenly change his childfree mindset and then resent me for eternity, but what if it's my mother instead? Is she going to take this to her grave, constantly resenting me for never giving her grandchildren and curse me with her dying breath?
Too far? Maybe... But maybe not. Turns out, I didn't really know my mother's thoughts on this, despite her being supportive of my choice in the past. But now that my surgery is scheduled and its so final, she's definitely showing a different side to her.
Is this the last nail in the coffin for me? I mean... She's deeply religious, but I'm not. She went to college, but I refused. She is outgoing and silly, and I'm conservative and shy. We have different political views, so much so that we can't even discuss them. And now I'm not having children. Then that leads me to the childish question "Is she proud of me?" How could she be? I'm so vastly different than her.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother. She is my best friend and greatest confidant. But the older I get the more we grow apart. When I was young, she raised me to never judge others, to always be supportive and stand by what you think is right. To make good choices and understand right from wrong. She taught me things. She taught me to be the woman I am today, which I think I'm a decent person. But as she grows older, the more I see that she is (or she is changing into) a person full of... prejudice?
I won't go into detail but I can see that there is a racist side to her that I didn't know that was there before. Maybe I could blame her boyfriend, who is...ignorant to say the least.
Whatever. I'm just rambling now.
Anyway. I'm off to this festival. I truly hope its a good time and not awkward like I think it will be.
Wish me luck.