What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
my world is shattering, only I can glue it back together, problem is, I can't find the stupid glue
5 years ago · 0 · Stress, +4
988
This semester has been hell, I feel like the world is crashing down around me and laughing as I struggle in vain to put pieces back together, and hold the shards of what is left up. Two classes, that's all I had left until I was to set sail for nursing school. I literally just withdrew from one class, we're supposed to be taking a test right now, instead, I am here; writing my feelings and frustrations because if I went to class everyone would see the crying, broken mess I am. I fought with my boyfriend of two years today, a big one, over something so small and insignificant. We yelled, I cried, he yelled some more, I threw a shoe, and we said we didn't want to see each other. Oddly enough, we've said these things before, had this fight before, however, I've thrown way more stuff, to actually cause damage. But I don't think he gets it, I throw physical objects because he throws nasty words and commentary my way, that shoe isn't gonna leave a mark, being called an "immature, naive, pathetic person" will sit with me until I die or get Dementia. And as much as I try, I can't say mean things to him, I can't call him names, because I know how much it hurts me when he does it I can't bring myself to do it to him. It still stings, and yet again, not the first time I've been called that, or other things, worse things. I know I play my part, I know I am to blame for a lot of things in our fight, but what I don't understand is how his one defense mechanism is to tear me apart once we are elbow deep in a fight. How he can purposefully choose words that break down my self-worth, that cut so deep I yell back, begin to cry, and once I get to my car have to beg and plead myself away from the edge of a knife? Tell myself I am worth more than the scars I inflict upon myself. My wrists are already riddled with scars and every time he hurts me with words, all I want to do is lose myself in a fresh scar with fresh blood and fresh physical pain so that the emotional pain he sets ablaze in my chest I can ignore for maybe sixty seconds. It doesn't make it go away, just gives me a distraction so that when I look at myself in my car mirror I don't see the pathetic person he speaks of, I see the pained, pathetic person I have created. How is it, that when my family is falling apart and I'm the only child who knows it my relationship is struggling? Just like my parents, it's like a competition, which couple will stay together? While I hurt and ponder over my own relationship, the other things in my life start to surface,
I'm failing Anatomy.
My four-year-old cousin who I help take care of is dying of organ failure, and in two weeks I will be taking care of her more because her mom won't be able to.
While my parents' marriage is on the line, they take trips together to work things out, meaning I am left with my three brothers, the youngest who is forced to grow up because the middle child would rather drink and get high and have parties at the house while my parents are away. Let his friends stay the night and trash the house. And the oldest, my Autistic brother who can't speak, who can't be left alone, who needs help with the smallest things, gets made fun of by my middle brother's friends. If my mom leaves us, I have to step into her shoes, I've done her job for less than a month and I am already at my wit's end. If my mom leaves, my dad will fall apart, how can I put him back together when I can't even do put myself back together? My life is crumbling, and the world seems with think I am some sort of superhero because it keeps adding problems to test my sanity. I am not a superhero, far from it, I am just a twenty-one-year-old girl, who is tired, tired of crying, tired of worrying, tired of not being able to do enough anywhere. Tired of being the problem in my relationship, tired of playing a role I am not fit for, tired of seeing a four-year-old little girl fade right before my eyes. I am tired. And the places that you can usually find solace in, like family, boyfriend, friends, I can't.
I watched a man die last week, the first person I've ever seen die, and still, that seems to be the least of my worries.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
m a mess.
i lost the person i wanted the most.. one mistake and a perfectly bright future turned into darkness. i cant see u getting married to someone else, i dnt wnt u...
-
I'm falling...
I'm just falling apart at this point... no one can save me... I know what my ending will be... and it is coming very fast......