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Because my family would have a fit. My mom would be jerk, she would argue with me when I'm supposed to be asleep. My grandparents would cry and yell. I would be called selfish and lost. I would have to fight to keep you in my life. I would have to endure all of the thoughts about being unwanted, and being alone, and defend us at dinner, every time someone new hears about us. I would be told I was going to hell. Or I would be told things about God that I already know, because people would assume that I can't love God if I love you (which isn't how love works). I would still question myself, and question God. I would be afraid to walk into church. I would be afraid to make friends there, where I used to feel most at home. I would feel unwelcome to sing on the stage, as if I was expected to give up the love of my life to do so. I would have to feel myself come unhinged and put myself back together every day because everyone who I loved is attacking me and the one that I love. I would have to sit in my car, and put on a smile after crying all the way to work. I would have to keep working even though I'm still crying. I would have to tell myself not to walk out the door and into the busy street. You would be all that I had in the world, and then I would worry about losing you too. I would be doing so many things for you that you didn't even ask for, I would be burning myself out 200% of the time, yet you'd think I was selfish because I was too tired and weak to cook and clean up for myself, or because I would be binge eating like crazy just trying to stay happy, or Because I was too anxious to keep a job. You would think that I wasn't good enough, because I was too stressed to stick to my ambitions and goals, and I only want to do things that bring me closer to you. You wouldn't believe in me, because you'd see all the bad parts of me, the me that was losing everything and finding zero answers or ways out. I would be clawing through all of the pain and fear just to spend more time with you. I would faint at work, and in the grocery stores, and in the middle of conversations. I would delete my social media accounts and block all the people I used to call my friends, because I know they all hate me by now, after everything they've heard, and all the stress and anger I've exuded on the internet. They haven't talked to me in 5 years anyway. I would do literally anything for you, even put myself in debt to make you happy, and then worry about that too. I would have such trouble forming sentences around new people that I would think that I lost the ability to communicate. I would wonder if I was secretly dying because my heart was pounding every night and day. It's good you don't love me as I am, because you'd be the only one in my life, and that's too much for a person, that's a lot of responsibility. And besides, I wouldn't survive all of that a second time.
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