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Most people would think that during servicemembers time of service it would be a grounding period for core characteristics. This would be a very accurate hypothesis, because during my service I grounded myself. I grounded myself into hate, alcohol and womanizing. I would tell myself lies all the time, telling myself constantly that I was fine. That I would never need a helping hand in desperate times. That I was a "man" what are emotions? I could never let my friends see me cry. I constantly imagined taking my own life, but it was just a joke right? My mental health became my kryptonite weakening my base in life. I could never be in the moment because I was afraid of time. Time I owed and sold to uncle sam. Time that made life feel like seconds were ages and I would never escape this fictional choke hold.
The floor gave in in February of 2017 my delusions of life came to a screaming halt. I Got out of the army and realized I had lost myself. But for what just a few dimes? Dimes spent on a degree to " get me where I need to be"? Hell on earth for this future that I need. But all I want to do is grieve for the lost me. So I did I finally grieved, cried, and planted some seeds. The seeds I planted was hope for what I wanted my eternity to be. What I wanted to see in myself and my life and what I imagined I could be. See I realized that my soul craved love and affection not hate and destruction. This would be the nurturer needed to help me grow. To help me reach the heights I know I can one day glow in.
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