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Depressed on and off for months (Please reply)
5 months ago · · Stress,
I don't know where to start because it's a lot.
1. It's Thanksgiving and I'm hating it. My girlfriend died 10 years ago on Thanksgiving Day. I'm lesbian so I never told my family about her. They know I'm gay since 3 years ago but that's it. I dated her before I came out. So I've had to keep this a secret for a long time because I've already waited this long to say anything and I can't now. Thanksgiving really sucks. By the second week of December, I'm fine.
2. My dad thinks I'm stupid because he treats me like I'm stupid. I'm trying to fill out some forms for some reimbursement which I have done before but for some reason, he checks over everything to make sure I filled them out right as if I'm a child or stupid and did it wrong (I'm 37 and yes I have a learning disability but a learning disability and being stupid are two completely different things). He goes into a bunch of details, explaining everything, pointing out everything that's on a paper like where to put my name, the date, where the date on a paper is, where to put the address etc.. as if I can't read and I'm pretty sure I would not be typing right now if I couldn't read! When I'm trying to fill out the forms, that's just one thing but he often treats me like an idiot because of my learning disability. He tries to defend himself by saying, "I just want you to do the best you can." Yeaaahhhh suuuuurrrreeeee. Right. He thinks I'm stupid that I have no idea what he's trying to do and I'm not buying that he's doing it because he's my dad and wants me to do the best I can. I'm an ADULT! You don't treat your adult child like that, checking over everything they do like checking their homework as if they're 12 years old! He doesn't check over everything my siblings do because they don't have a disability.
3. My dad is extremely obsessed with money and I'm fed up with it. There's more to life than money! It is worth spending money if it means spending on something that makes you happy as long as you're not doing or using that something quite often. Just about every conversation we have, he involves money then tells me he's not obsessed and he doesn't want to get rich. No one minds being rich.
4. I don't have reliable transportation in order to meet people and get into a relationship, which is something I'd love to do. I can't drive and my van I have someone drive is old and just always messed up and my dad who is my rep payee refuses to pay for a new van because it's too much money. Apparently, a van is not a necessity for me to him. He thinks it's just a luxury that I don't need and I can't transfer from my chair into a regular car. A van with a lift is what I need but he doesn't care. I can't afford it myself because I got SSI and can only have no more than $2000 in my bank account. The public transportation we got is crap and not always reliable and both Uber and Lyft would come by when I request one but no wheelchair lift! Until I get a new van, it's not quite reliable.
5. My life feels meaningless. I always try to get into something that's positive but it's like it's not meant to. I even ran a website that was to help people make a real difference and I worked at that kind of thing for 10 years and no one cared. I'm lousy at marketing, apparently. I could do something that make other feels good but I don't feel motivated because it doesn't do much for me.
6. I still live with my parents because I don't have confidence to live on my own. I want to live in an apartment, not a house because it would cost too much and too much trouble to fix it up or do things there if something needs fixing and my dad apparently expects me to live in a house because no one lives in an apartment for the rest of their lives. He even tells me to plan ahead my whole life about 20 years later. Why would anyone do that??? NO one knows what they're going to do in 20 years and what if they don't want to do it then. Whatever happened to "live in the moment"? I could live with someone but I don't really know anyone and don't really have a lot of friends. Even if I were to meet someone and live with them, it'd take years before I could really trust them. I have a disability, yes, but I'm able to get around really good and do a lot of things on my own so it's not like I need to live with anyone. It just would help financially but I don't want to wait years before I can meet someone and trust them enough.
7. My dad has cancer so I pretty much have a love/hate relationship with him. There are times when I'm glad that he has it but other times, it's hard knowing he has it. He's supposed to start chemo tomorrow and I don't think I can watch him suffer. The side effects could be extreme and he has a weak stomach.
8. I'm so sick and tired of my dad always thinking of ways to pick on me and criticize me. Criticizing someone is fine but it's not helpful when you do it all the time and get nitpicky. One time I was helping him by stirring the spaghetti sauce so he can run an errand and he said, "make sure you scrape the bottom" as if I didn't know that! I doubt he'd talk to anyone else like that if they were helping him stir the pot! He thinks I'm an idiot. He does everything he can to destroy my self confidence and he doesn't care. So what if the sauce got burnt? Make another one! You can't replace a damaged self confidence.
9. When I am going out and I want to all the time to get away from my dad, he brings up money all the time and how expensive to is to use public transportation and I'm sick of it. I'm not going to stay home all day every day just because it's expensive! Well sorry if it's expensive but I can't control how much it costs! What is it with old people and money? The Great Depression is over! Waaaay past over! He said he was raised to save money as much as possible. It's almost 2019, things are different now. Apparently, he was raised to always listen to his parents. He was raised to plan things ahead and not live in the moment and enjoy. He's always worried about the future, not the present and he thinks he can control everything and prevent everything bad happening in the future? If that's the case, why didn't he stop his cancer? I find it hard to believe he was raised to save as much money as possible. Later when my grandparents got old, they threw away money on houses and vehicles. No one who believes in saving money does that! He's always living like it's the 50s. I was born in the 80s, I'm not listening to rock music like Jon Bon Jovi or wearing colorful clothes or mullets! Why can't people learn to adjust with the times if I can?
10. I'm so sick and tired of my dad coming to me about everything that bothers him like politics. Politics are fine but not 24/7 and that's all he watches on TV as if it's going to make anything in America better. He complains about everything in general, like he expects me to fix his problems and I'm not buying that it's because he has cancer. His cancer hasn't changed him, he's always been that way even before he was diagnosed. I have a disability and I don't make that an excuse to complain about everything. It's so hard to live with someone like that and you can't even get your own place that quick or easy. My siblings have their own families and I don't want to live out of the state to live with relatives and I don't really have any real friends. If I could move out tomorrow, I would!