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Ever since I was young I've been struggling mentally. It was about the age or 13 when I realised that since the 5th grade I've been through so much. But as a black child, its hard to express your mental struggle to a family that hasn't been conditioned to talk abour such things. From what I've been told by my mother, my generation is known for using terms such as depression and low self-esteem very frequently when its not needed. " Oh please, don't give me that " " That's not depression, do you know the definition of depression ? ", those are the things she will say. In some part of what she was implying was not true, kids can go through hard times as much as adults can. We don't always have to go through a family members death to experience it, everybody has their own way to deal with their baggage differently. What I always, and still do, find funny is the fact that she never even thought once that " hey, I think my child is going through some things and mauve we need to see someone foe help " nope, not even once even if the simple, obvious signs where right in front of her face. Let me number it down:
1. 5th grade, argument with my parent, situation( that I will not explain ) occurs and leads me feeling miserable and follows me cutting my wrist with a sharp pencil. At the time, I didn't even know what self harm was. Mind you, what she did still makes me cry till this day( I think that she kind of went overboard )
2. Same year, i write in my journal about how i wanted to die and hated the school i was attending. I heard her crying reading what I have written in her bedroom.
3. Three years later( 8th grd ), I cutt my self and she finds out, I used to cry literally almost every day after school uncontrollably when i got home, i told her that i thought i had depressiob and she only replied with " do u even know what that means ", instead of helping me and telling me it's ok after finding out about my cutting she tells me " do u want them to put u in a school for stupid ppl ".. + I tried to kill my self twice that year
4. 9th, 10th, 11th grd I still have suicidal thoughts almost every day and she even confronted me abt it " saying" i know u still have does thoughts and it makes me sad ".. Its tii late. U had all the time to get help but NOTHING RINGED IN YOUR HEAFDD THAT MY KID IS GOING THROUGH A MENTAL PROBLEM. Thats one of the reasons i hate being black, nobody understands when it comes to stuff like this especially when ur 16..
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If you're an asian, when you have mental problem they says that there are demons inside you and send to exorcist or leave you alone, alone than ever. So yeah, I understand you.... but whatever comes, I want you to be strong. A lot people doesn't want to help because they were scared or lack of understanding in this psychology stuffs. So you can either find someone who could help or learn yourself to be more patience... wait a little longer and enjoy the other things even how small it is. I don't know if you're atheist or not, but for me, I would ask help from my god. Hey, I wish you will be alright and feel better soon. I always listen to Fort Minor and Linkin Park musics when I feel bad.
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