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trying my best to get better
3 years ago · · Depression,
Last year, I self-harmed regularly. I was depressed and anxious. I thought about killing myself a lot. This year, I tried to kill myself twice, very, very recently. Maybe last month? It wasn't even someone else who stopped me, it was my cat brushing against my leg or my realizing that I couldn't leave my room such a mess for my family to clean up. No one else knows I've actually tried to kill myself, at least I don't think so. If they do, they're being a little unhelpfully quiet (but really, I know it'd be a hard thing to deal with, so I respect whatever decisions they make regarding this, even if it is a bit unfortunate for me).
The deal is, I have two very invasive tics; an awful grunting sound and a facial grimace. I'm way overweight. I have depression, anxiety, and I'm transgender- I'm out to everyone but my family. What a fun myriad of things!
Sometimes I feel like I'm... kind of getting better? I've been trying to take care of myself lately, but it doesn't always work out. The daily motions are hard for me, so I'm at the point where I consider showering or putting on fresh clothes to be a major success. My room is still messy, but I'm trying to pick up one or two things at a time; the days I can't force myself to aren't failures, but just me taking a little while to take the next step in getting better.
So, what I'm trying to convey here: sometimes healing isn't just some straight, easy path up stairs and out of a well. It's a bit of a beeline. Chaotic, messy, sometimes you go backwards, or in loops or spirals, but ultimately, you end up at your destination.