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Hello, this is my post here. Today I was having anxiety, thinking whether or not to buy a tutu skirt. I tried to shake it off but it came back to me again and silly enough it made me paralyzed. Seems like I could not stop thinking about it. And I bought it. But it did not bring me any relief. And before that, I had bought another coat. This is so silly. Looking at the wardrobe in my room, I feel terrified, guilty, happy. I don't know.
The reason for my compulsive buying is because deep down, I feel insecure. I am in my early 30s and obese. For years I have been telling myself that what matters is the inside. It's okay if you are not attractive as long as you are kind and helpful. I started to gain weight in the 3rd year of elementary school when I was snacking chocolate. in middle school, I managed to lose it but gained back when I was in the university and the weight keeps on rising when I work. I have and still think work as my main priority. I don't exercise or eat right. So, going back to where I am. Seems the shopping addition started when I was in the university and has gotten worse when I started working.
I thought, if I can wear the same outfit like everyone else, that is a good thing. I can be pretty too. Even though I am not a size 0. Every time it comes with a rush, once I settle the payment then the rush is gone. I need help to love myself. But how do you love yourself? Can you honestly say "I love you" to yourself when you notice the flaws that you have? Love handle in your belly, big arms, and tighs? *sigh. I know that people are saying everyone has different body types. But deep down, I know I am fat and maybe to lazy to lose it. Sometimes I have a hard time to believe it. *sigh. Anyway, if you are reading this, thank you for your time. Appreciate it.
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