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I have this really disturbing weird obsession and addiction to gore and disturbing smut videos of murder and stuff. I have no idea why I have huge urges to watch or see the videos and pictures. I feel absolutely disgusted when I look at it and I feel physically ill, but I can’t stop looking at it. I’m so pathetic because I have literally given myself severe PTSD from the things I’ve seen or watched and I have flashbacks and I have severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts because I can’t go through my day focusing on my life or my job or my animals without the memories and vivid thoughts interrupting my day. I was so worried about myself thinking that I was some type of “wannabe killer”, but I’m not at all. I’m such an empathic, sympathic, and compassionate person and I’m so sensitive when it comes to life, but I have no clue where my brain went wrong when I came across a smut video of a murder 5 years ago. I wanna throw up. I wanna scream and rip my head off. I have headaches when I watch these things, but the urges.....the urges to watch them is so overwhelming that I have panic attacks. I can’t fucking believe I can say that I gave myself PTSD from the bullshit that I watched. It’s insane.
Why that? Why smut videos? Why gore? Why watching the most disturbing content out there?
I was severely abused at a child until I was 10 and I was taken away from my birth family cause of that. I was adopted into an amazing family that gave me so much and I have two dogs and 2 cats and I study philosophy. I was bullied quite severely and I did experiment with drugs, most only weed and some opidates, and I stopped quite quickly. Nothing agreed with me. I do have depression and anxiety, but the last 2 years I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and a panic disorder. I have no clue what to do about my addiction to these smut videos. When I go without them I get so emotional and the urges give me headaches and I DON’T UNDERSTAND.
I need help. The world is so fucked up. Right now there are people dying and there are people being sold and kids being sold to pedos and people committing suicide and innocent people’s homes being bombed and how...tell me? HOW can I think about anything else when the world is in SUCH chaos. I want to fix it, but how?! HOW DO I FIX SOMETHING?! I’m just a short 24 year old girl who hates herself and gets overwhelmed with life in two seconds.
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What your doing is “self destructive” behaviour. People view self destructive behaviour as drugs, drinking, being reckless, self harm, etc but just like physical self harming, you can do emotional and psychological self harming. By watching the very disturbing things you watch, it’s basically self harm. It’s a coping mechanism and just like physical self harm like cutting, which can leave scars, the psychological self harm also leaves scars, but in your head. Even though you get sick by watching the things you do, there must be some sort of relaxation or calmness or something deep down that feels the slightless bit good, which is way you get addicted to watching it.
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