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Letter To My Child
Your sparkling brown eyes
Your cute button nose
Your ten little fingers
and your ten little toes
You laying your head on my shoulder
on my chest, or in my hand
me stopping what I'm doing
and catering to your every demand
Hearing you laugh
Hearing you cry
Your 'I'm Hungry' Wail
and your 'I'm Happy Now' sigh
Seeing you walk
Seeing you fall
Paying for a window
You broke with a ball
Teaching you to drive
Worrying when you do
And so much more
I'm going to miss with you
I'll miss your birthday
It will never arrive
I will remember that day
For the rest of my life
You were perfectly healthy
And well on your way
To meeting your family
On delivery day
You have on brother
Tyler, he is four years old
He's a beautiful boy
With a heart of gold
You have on sister
Kailey, she's at 15 months
She's so sweet and caring
And loves Tyler very much
You have a lot of family
I wish you could have met
I wish you could have lived before you died
But that's a wish I will never get
I feel responsible
for you having to leave
A world in which
You will never see
I could never explain it
It's not perfectly clear to me
But a choice had to be made
A choice for your mother and me
I know that where you are
You're in the right hands
I know you already have the answers
And I HOPE you understand
But I have to explain this
for my own sake
though I hide it very well, it really hurts
And i don't know how much I can take
I have to be strong
I have to be there
I have to support your mommy
For it is a pain that we share
You see, Mom isn't so healthy
Through no fault of her own
But her health was far worse
Than we had ever been shown
We knew when you were conceived
That it was High risk
But so was your brother and sister
We felt that we were ready for this
Base on the information
from Mommy's medical tests
We knew it was high risk
but thought it difficult at best
Then, a few months after your conception
we find out there was a test taken
and the results of this test
are at the least, Heart-breaking
The test was on mommy's heart
And the results were not good
The test said that mommy's heart
wasn't working like it should
If we went through with the pregnancy
to delivery day
You might make it here okay
but mommy would have to go away
Mommy's heart would stop beating
And they'd have to get you out fast
Before you took your first breath
Mommy would take her last
I could not choose
between mommy or you
but the choice had to be made
It was something we had to do
On delivery day
Tyler would be almost five years old
Kailey, she'd be almost two
That's how we decided what we had to do
Your brother and sister need their mommy
we had to think about them
we couldn't take away their mommy
which meant that the pregnancy had to end
You will forever be in my heart
And I just thought you should know
Why we will never meet
And I will never let you go
You were taken away from us
at 18 weeks and 1 day
and July 7, 2007
That would have been your birthday
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Soo.. this was originally written in August of 2008. It's one of the many weights on my shoulders that I just can't shake. Figured I'd share this first, as this was a big slap in the face during a recent argument with my two children.... sigh
ReplyI know how it feels to lose someone. Not a child, I’ll never know the power of that kind of pain. I can’t imagine. You made the ultimate sacrifice for your children and I don’t think many people like you exist. I respect your love for your kids. You’re a great parent and I can see that just from this poem. It’s beautiful.
ReplyI am so sorry. What a heartbreaking moment for all of you. I can only say that I know what its like to lose a child you love: 2 before birth (miscarried) and my oldest son, 4 years ago at age 26 (road rage homocide... ). You'll always have their memory in your heart and your other children will someday understand the horrific yet understandable sacrifice made for their sakes. May peace be with you. J
Reply