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You died February 26th 2017, I was 14. I hold no resentment, just sadness. When you got drunk, you would say you wanted to die, you would sob and scream, and I never knew what to do. Should I have listened more? Should I have loved you more? Even though you didn’t mean to die, I feel like I should’ve made you happier when you were alive. You always said you loved me more than anything, but I feel like it’s my fault you were so sad. I was never the best student, never the best daughter, never the best anything.
Mom is worse without you. I know I said that it’d be better if you guys divorced but I don’t know anymore. You guys would fight, scream and break things and I think I was just scared. I never felt safe when mom was mad. Now, she’s either mad or sad, she’s never happy. I’m trying to be strong for her, but sometimes I cry. When I cry, she ignores me. It’s breaking my heart daddy, I miss you.
I understand why you got addicted to the pills, I understand why you were addicted to alcohol but it hurt me to see you in that much misery. It hurts me even more to think that I couldn’t make you happy while you were alive.
Mom won’t stop getting angry, I think she’s going into a manic episode again. I don’t handle those as well as you did. I just sit in my room and cry. I try though.
I don’t cry as much as I did when you were alive. I think it’s because I know what true pain is now.
You were the only person that made me feel like I mattered, the only person that protected me, the only person who put my needs in front of your own. The only person that valued my opinion, the only person who thought I was worth the breath that I breathe.
I love you dad, I really hope you’re chilling with the aliens you always rambled on about. If not, I hope your singing songs with Kurt Kobain.
I hope your happy.
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I lost my mom to cancer 6 months ago. It's hard. But we just have to keep faith. Talk to a counselor. Don't close yourself off to your mom, or friends. And if your mom is abusive at all, CALL THE POLICE.
Lots of love and hope things get better ❤️
ReplyStay close to God. There is so much comfort and love with him. He is my best friend and you can go to him with literally anything and he'll listen to you. Just stay brave and know that this too shall pass. Never give up on your mom. She's going through a tough time, but it'll past. I know it hurts, but you have to push through. You're so strong and brave inside for living through this, and if you pray, I know things it'll get better. I'm sorry about your dad and I'm sorry about your dad. If you ever need to talk, you can always email me.
Gracietrey5@gmail.com
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