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If you knew my family you would know that's a bit of steal for a title.
My dad died in 2010 and in the moment he passed that song played.
We play the CD that played the moment he passed every year. Except this year. Because this year my mom passed about a month before the anniversary of his death. It was the first time she wasn't here. The first time I thought life wouldn't go on. The first time for a lot of things. And the first time we didn't play his CD.
Today I'm looking at the first Christmas letter without her, the first Christmas, and somehow making it the first Christmas for my brother, foster brother, and niece that doesn't feel like crap. We aren't kids. We're adults. And we are just as lost as children.
Don't let anyone kid you; when you become an orphan your age does not matter. Having your own family will cushion it I suppose. I don't have kids or a wife. So I am looking at my immediate family and worried about them.
My mom died almost 2 months ago. I went to get the keepsake urns today... almost 2 months later. Was I putting it off? Probably. The funeral home is literally across the street! No other excuse comes to mind.
A newspaper called today and they want to do an article on my mom's life. I'm thrilled. And happy. And sad. And here we go again talking and digging up memories and argh... I'm tired of crying. But I will do this because it is good. And then I will cry. And then I'll see it in the paper and cry some more... and some day all this crying has to stop right?
A friend told me when my dad passed that he knew it was tough, but that I would know pain when my mom passed. I knew then he was right. And he was.
I'm okay most of the time and then I get caught off guard and I hurt profoundly. And then I cry. And it can be on the way into the grocery store, driving down the road, opening the mail, or some other stupid moment. Any moment. How frail!
But how good the memories. I get angry at this pain I walk around with. But how lucky I am to have it at all. So I will cry more... and feel empty more... but I will also know that I was so lucky to have a relationship that warrants this much pain.
So Thanks For The Memories mom!
One day I will see you and we'll laugh again together at life. Until then I will follow your example as I can and live well.
Love you mom!
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