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Hey I don’t know if I’m going to publish this but for now I’ll just let it be whatever it wants to be. First of all the reason why I’m writing this isn’t to be an edgy teen, I’m just feeling helpless and this is all I have right now. I’ve lived with depression for so long a lot of people have. Usually you have people helping you along the way but I don't or do? No one gets me I feel like. I’m depressed because of a lot of things, but I’m mainly depressed about my dreams. Everyone doubts them and now I’m confused. There’s a part of me who wants to be an artist because I love the beauty and freedom of this world. I want to be in the air force to protect the right people out there and to right wrongs that the military has done. I want to play the cello because everything makes sense when I do. They all sound great right? Only one of them is practical and that's what everyone wants me to do, the air force. “But you could pay for college that way “ yeah but I would feel like I’ve wasted my years on something that I couldn’t change. “ War is the answer but really what's the question?” I don’t want to hurt anyone there’s already enough of that here. When I practice getting better at art I feel powerful. I feel like I have the will to say what I want to express how I feel and people want to take that away. I feel so different the way I think and i hate it. I’m certainly not special for how i think I’m sure others do, I just want to think like everyone else. I don’t want a heart like mine. I don’t want to feel like i have to be something big , I don’t want to feel the need to be a leader or heroic to some. I just want to be a nobody and live on like everyone else. Wow saying that breaks my heart. Ironic. My pet peeve is following what everyone wants you to do. How can you be happy that way? When I did it everything sure looked dim and grey. I was on medicine that messed with my brain for so long I forgot who i was. I didn’t think anything was important on the medicine, even art. But now I can feel again and think clearly again.( sort of ) I realized I have passion, love, compassion for others, and a strong will to help and learn and lead for others. Right now having this heart doesn’t sound bad to me at least. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. But how do I know what I do with this passion to lead is right. How do I know that what I create and do for others is right in the future? I’m willing to learn from others even those of the opposing opinion. This all feels like a ball of mess in my head. No one is guiding me through these feelings or ideas that I have. Its all me right now. I need someone to be the Rocky Balboa to my Adonis Creed. I wish I had that.
But I guess its time to stop wishing and start working.Fuck I had to stop writing I’m crying.
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Hey there,
so as i understadt it, you dont know what to do with your life. In the manner of your speaking i think, deep inside you, you dont want to take the air force. Its okey to be in that state, to not know what to do with your life, proffession. Art and Music are very interesting proffesions too and if you have the passion and interest in them you can do anything with those. And you should know that Art isnt just painting, music is an art form too. There are many ways you can show your art skill. I myself, am a Architect student, and it really is an Art form. Try narrowing down what you want to do in those, Chello, do you want to be in an Orchestra? THen DO it. You will need to practise, but practise makes perfect. You want to be a Painter? Again, just practice and do it. There is only one thing between you and your desires and its you.
Think this through. If you want to be in the military so be it, if you want to play chello, do it , its up to you. Dont let anyone be the judge of what you want to do in your life.
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