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NOTE: I strongly urge you read the post titled "I'm in love with my best friend... I think he feels the same". It will be the post immediately before this in the 'gay' section. It will provide context for the thoughts that follow.
Sitting here, on my bed late at night, I cannot help but reflect on the exciting events and revelations of the last few days. Today, I attempt to look through an objective lense, and to gain perspective on this otherwise love-blinded circus of a week.
This entry will not be optimistic though. I will explore the likely, unromantic, realistic version of this story. In other words, the harsh realities.
What sparked this fireworks of emotion between you and I was a subtle tickling of my thigh, preceded by friendly doodles on a buddy's arm. Even further back, we were average friends, not unlike any other. To go from that to this crazy-for-you, does-he-love-me-does-he-not dynamic is objectively WEIRD! If a happy ending concluded this story, then my optimism could be deemed a fairy-tale narration; meant to be, fated in the stars. Otherwise, this fabrication of mine would warrant admitance to counciling and a long, hard look at reality. Which one is it then? The answer seems a little more than obvious.
Fairy tales don't come around often; it's much like winning the lottery, in fact. When you think you got the numbers right, and jump with pure ecstasy, it is likely also followed by the grim realisation that you read the numbers wrong. Applied to the pertinent context, I could be grossly mistaken and possessed with false joy. Some may say, delusional. And they would be justified.
A kind, smart, spirited guy like you, who has never prior exhibited feelings towards me, to do exactly that, all out of the blue, is as unlikely as being hit by lightning. Twice. On the same day. So I ask myself, when does optimism become delusion?
I want to be romantic with you. I want to write poems, give you flowers, dance with you in prom, and smile together in that magical sort of way. I want to kiss you, and hug you, lay my tired head on your soft shoulders, and talk about life with you. But that, what I just wrote down, my true feelings, are....creepy. If you were to re-read those thoughts, they would seem stalkish and absolutely unfounded. After all, to the entire world, we are but friends. Good ones, sure, but nothing more than mere friends. Were I to be wrong, the pitied looks would never cease. Oh how incredibly wrong I would be.
It's fun to fantasize about a happily-ever-after, but removing myself from this situation a little bit, I realise that that fate neighbors the impossible. What are the odds that you think of me late at night, as I do you? What would you say if you were reading this letter? Would you be delighted, or disgusted? I'm afraid to know find out.
To think, this adventure of mine could be put to an end with three simple, timeless words:
"I love you." Yet I am not brave enough. With so much to lose, I am left paralysed.
Is this story a fantastical coming together of soulmates? Or one of sincere delusion? Only time will tell.
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Cute, so cute 💕
ReplyBest of luck to you :)
Reply