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ahhh Fuckk… 8 years of marriage, going on the 9th now.
No, it was not fun and we should have pulled the plug many times ago... and we didn't. you know how it goes when the kids are between us and whole lot of baggage!
She says she still loves me though, I don't. Makes me the bad guy? maybe... I could live with that... I'll be the bad guy... I am already one in her eyes.
Some misguided sense of principle, that's what keeping me going with the marriage and with her... I tried though...to fix shit...a few times really, I warned us both 6 years ago that we need to find a common ground for compromise... we fell in Love , I think we did, she was not really a rebound for breaking up with my fiancée no... simply I lost my feelings for my ex-fiancée a long time before that...
I did love my wife, I think I'm somehow grasping in the dark now as I fall off the cliff which I did not even see!! just grasping for the Love I lost with her. But I wonder every day when I see her, how can I love her back when she has changed in every radical way you can change as a person... Mentally she is different, dull (my fault, threw in a country where she cannot work, drive or do anything else really - you know which country)... Emotionally she is there but in extremes , with me and everything else, nothing balanced, nothing to hold on to with her... physically, the weight loss just makes her look like a totally different human, not the one I fell in love with, but that should minor but for some reason it is not and I am angry at myself for feeling unattracted to her physically, just pure anger... and I just look at her and wonder, where is my wife? the one I married and who is this person...
and I still try, to my own astonishment, I still try to fix, to smile, to joke, go out to our dinners, with her parents who obviously see that things are wrong and mine who also know but choose silence... something is broken, I can see that they all see that and my wife sees that and I do, the kids? not yet.
I am not sure why I try... a few reasons... partly the kids, mainly the fact that I want to avoid her pain as she says she still loves me... I am the bad guy, the monster in this story, I'm not denying that... Maybe I'm just coming to the realization of it, that is all.
I don't believe we can rewind stuff, years, pain, wrong doings from both ends.. we just can move forward, question is can we do that with each other or each separately... she says she still loves me ( I said that), but I see sometimes that she doesn't , through her daily routines with me when I'm with her and things she doesn't do...
Oh yeah!! we had our list of things FINALLY written down on what we want to fix in both of us to get things moving in the right direction... she never takes one step but I do, and I know I don't love her anymore, not the way I should... I do try but also maybe not for her but for me... what she hates in me is what I hate about myself as well but I try... I try for my sake and hers yet I still don't see how me working on my shit helps bring back the love I lost for her...
she never tries to work on her list, or at least she pretends to do but I don't see results, or is it that I do not want to see results...not sure about that yet... what I know is that things have broken not in two pieces, not three... but to millions... how to catch the millions of pieces and glue the shit out of them.
I left her yesterday back in my hometown and came back to work (I work in a different country, yes yes, the distance never helps I know ) … and I left her with the promise that I will do what I can to get things properly moving and urged her to please work on her things as well , those "things" between her and me that presumably will fix our marriage...a delusion? maybe, most probably... I just don't want to hurt her and don't want to cause the pain in the families... we've had enough anger for 9 years as it is between us... more anger than Love really. you know what's sad, half our shit is due to our folks , her and mine... and here I am trying to avoid their pain alongside hers... and the kids!! I cld say they'll understand when they grow up , they must... but will they...
The decision of Marriage was taken between us both and we actually do reap what we sow... always and forever... I'm just one story, copy pasted a few millions times? maybe... but it is MY story and my marriage and my shit... kinda makes it personal to ME... copy pasted or not... eventually, I think I know I am the bad one in this relationship, she is an amazing mother and partner... but maybe not the partner for me... 9 years late to say it out loud... yes, definitely. and no, it has nothing to do with the other one I loved and still do 15 years ago... cos the fundamental reasons of this Flopped marriage is not someone else... but simply a mis-realization that Rushing into marriage , with a "Love" factor, is simply not enough... There's Transparency, friendship, sharing things which we did not do often, loving things in common and we had and have none! nothing... begs the question on how the fuck did we fall in Love.. was it Love? Maybe just Lust that ended in Marriage.
Wasted... That's all I feel , after 9 years... but it is my burden and I will carry it... I will not be the one to break this marriage (even though I think it is broken already- maybe we're too polite to say anything)… but she breaks me with her tears every time I leave and she says she loves me still and she says she knows I don't and I try out my most sincere face as I say " you're wrong, I still do" but silently I answer her, in my own way, not yours...
I am the bad guy in this story... a broken guy, maybe too proud to say it... too dutiful to do something about it all... I just go weak when I see the wonderful angel kids we share and weaker when I know what a great mother they have and weakest when she cries because of me...
Wasted monster, signing off.
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Are you afraid of being alone?
Replynot really.... I think I can be with someone if I leave this marriage, not so sure she's still waiting for me though... a risk to be seen if worth taking...
ReplyYou’re not a monster. You’re a martyr.
Replymost monsters are/were victims I think, of their own doing or others'... martyrs? maybe... kinda consoling to say so though, thank you.
ReplyFrom what I've read it doesn't sound like you're a bad guy. Just because you've fallen out of love doesn't make you a bad person or a failure, it's just life. Marriage is something that needs to be worked on but sometimes no matter how hard we try we can't fix something that's truly broken. Obviously the only peoole who can decide the fate of your marriage is you and your wife so I can't advise on that but personally I think it's worse to stay in a loveless marriage and spend the rest of your days wondering what if than it is being alone. By working on things as best you can, exploring every avenue you can't then say you didn't try. For all you know happiness could be just around the corner for both of you together or apart, you just have to chose which path that is. As for the children, they'll be happy if you and their mother both are. It will be upsetting and difficult I won't lie but in time things will heal. I split from my children's father when they were rather young and it was hard. Time moves on though and eventually we managed to become somewhat friends. We now easily share Christmas birthdays etc with our children and everyone's comfortable and happy. I wish you the best in the decision you make. Remember happiness isn't a destination, it's way if life. Don't wait for happiness. Make it.
Replywow! glad to see that you made it to where you are... I'm still on the other side of that turbulent sea I'm afraid... but your reply has all the Truth I need in it... that much I know. thank you.
Replythis was so helpful! thank you for writing/sharing your thoughts!
Reply