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Stressed, doubtful, optimistic
9 months ago · · Stress,
I want a bright future for myself, but it's so hard right now to sort things out. Growing up as an Asian in the US, there's always been a societal pressure that I must do well in academics. I do, but I have little room to find my passion. My grades are above average, maybe good enough for some really great schools, I'm one year away from doing college applications... yet I feel so doubtful about my future. I only do things so I don't regret it later. I've regretted too many things in life and it's hard to let things go once they happen. That's why I procrastinate everything school related. I get positions in clubs not because I enjoy the organizations, but because I know it will help my college applications. Yet colleges want to see applicants who are truly passionate about subjects. I have forced myself to list things I enjoy, I can't seem to find anything. Maybe some things, and I try to make them into my passions but it seems like quitting them is my only passion in life. It makes me feel better quitting because it gives validation about the one thing that I most believe in life: I'm not that good of a person. I really am not. Sure I have potential to be if I become more open-minded and work hard... but I can't break free from the bonds of self-doubt. I tell myself that I'm capable everyday. I am. Except my actions don't speak for my thoughts. I actually have supportive friends and a loving family I care about. Except I'm stuck in a depressive episode that I feel unable to get out of. I tell my parents and they tell me seeing a counselor will make me go mad because they will diagnose me with depression and living with that realization will make it harder and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my lives. I don't need to go to therapy because I know I definitely have depression, and it's something that I've accepted. It doesn't define who I am... I have even talked to school counselors... It hasn't helped. I thank all the people that want to help me.... I just feel like it's better if I just deal with it myself. My parents don't believe I have depression. Sometimes, I tell myself that I'm lucky to live in the US. But sometimes, I tell myself that I don't deserve the privileges in America, someone struggling in the world deserves my life more, someone that has hope and ambition- things that I can't quite find. People at school always say I'm the nice guy, and I seem so happy, that's because I masquerade my doubts inside... people say I'm so innocent... but they don't see what I do to inflict pain upon myself when I'm alone. I listen to people's speeches for motivation... it seems like the next step in life is to go to college... but right now, I'm applying for a major that I have little passion for, just because the major is easier to get accepted into the college. I don't have much energy. I try to jog everyday, and maintain a good sleep cycle, but it seems like I need to sleep at least 11 hours in order to feel ready for the day. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. Days I'm too worried about my future. I write things I'm thankful for everyday, I set goals, I laugh, but the depression is with me every step I go in life. The only thing that makes me happy is when I travel. My family tells me I have to work hard now if I want to be able to travel a lot. I sort of don't want to work, but I know that I must, or else I regret. I tell my family that "I want to kill myself" everyday, not because I do want to kill myself(at least I hope), but because there's no one else that I could say that to without them reporting it to counselors or a figure. I have become more and more lonely actually, and realized that this world is unfortunately more cruel than we think it is. I will never kill myself because doing so makes me feel like I've submitted myself to the world. I have something to prove to the world, to help others, to find myself. Yet I'm lost in pain.... yet this is life. Life? It is time for myself to lock myself in my room and go through another panic attack. I look forward to this to relieve myself. Hopefully the neighbors won't get mad at my screams.... again. It's 4 am.
I will survive. There's so much more to life than this! I'm still doubting myself though. It's just part of growing up.