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its been 5 years, on and off with the same continuous circle. we somehow talk again, things go good, I think you might have changed and then you realize you're falling in love with me without ever saying it to me. You're scared of it. You're honestly terrified that maybe I am the almost perfect person there is out there for you. Now no one can be perfect which is why I say almost, I have my faults. I think I loved you too hard in the beginning and it scared you away. You didn't know better and neither did i. we were young, stupid and in love the first go around. you broke my heart in the end and from there on for 5 straight years you come back and forth every 5/6 months and surprise me. But this time, it was different. This go around we waited almost 1 year to speak to each other again. well actually I made the first move one drunken night and got no answer until 3 days later while sitting in class not expecting to ever hear from you.. really I totally forgot about it. You're name pops up and it was history from there. 5 months go by having fun spending time together and living our lives. I've really seen a change in you...but I also see the same boy who is scared. We talk like we've never stopped talking ever but there's still a side to you that I can't understand. why are you so afraid of us? why do you try to get so close and once you realize you run? You've been saying to me that you wanna try to be someone else, someone better. You have been treating me with such respect since we started talking again...but why is it so hard for you to actually be with me? am I not good enough? have I been trying too hard for 5 years? today you explain to me that you feel depressed, as I try to comfort you and make you feel ok you tell me you are unsure we should still talk. you said its been 5 years and we need to get over each other. but what happened to you saying you missed me when were laying in bed together and haven't seen each other in days? or you saying you'd get mad if there was someone else? did you miss me or the thought of someone being there when you only needed it? I feel like we've been circling around this too long that this time I tried to play it differently. I pretended that I didnt love you but just had feelings just to see if you would react differently. but now im slowly thinking if I told you I love you, would it have made that big of a difference? or would we have still ended up in the same dead end? Sitting here trying to sleep only has me thinking of you. Usually by now I would be asleep and my phone would be buzzing from you trying to wake me up to talk...but as usual I can't expect much out of you. is 5 years really too long to be worth it? but why do I always come for you? but my real question is do you actually love me but too afraid to tell me because deep down you think I deserve better or something along those lines? or maybe im just your quick fix....
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Don't stop fighting. you know him more than anyone and I can see you have true passionate feelings and I believe he does as well. don't give up.
ReplyI went through a similar situation recently. Sometimes you're going to break yourself in the process of fixing someone. You just have to ask yourself when enough is enough. Clearly he doesn't know what he wants and is quite lost. I say let go and if it's meant to be it will be. Just don't life and others pass you by because of him. There is always someone out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. He treats you as a toy that he can play with an put away at anytime. Just know your worth.
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