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I normally write poems. Not this time. This time I've just got a lot to get out before it kills me.
My mental state has gotten steadily worse for a while. I get hit with terrible anxiety at the smallest things. I've been going to therapy, but I don't know if it's helping.
One of my friends is dying. They all have problems, from mental health to physical health to grades. I don't want to burden any of them. But I can't take it.
I used to have suicidal thoughts, a few years ago, but never to the point of trying anything. There's always been so much to stop me. Family. Friends. The wonders of being alive. But the thoughts are back - what if I was gone? Would people be better off?
I would never actually do it.
I don't want to.
But the thoughts hurt.
I can't face my friends. I know I'm a bad person - I've done bad things. I hurt people. I don't want to hurt people. It hurts so much.
I wish I had never met some of my friends. I would be worse off emotionally, but at least I wouldn't have poisoned their lives.
So I'll keep living. I'll keep hurting. And I'll hope it'll get better.
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who is to blame?
There comes a time in our lives when we all realize that no matter how much we want something, we can't possess it. i have come to many realizations lately....
no matter what people change,find happiness,friends,love even tho sometimes we are so down that we might think they would be better if we werent part of their lives.Thats not true,they would never thats why God put you on their path so u could learn them something.If u are bad for them they would run away.I want u to breathe and see there are beautiful things in ur life.
ReplyI understand how you feel just reading this reminds me of my self I also struggle daily....
ReplyWe can make it. I believe in us. After all, we're still here now, right? We've survived 100% of our worst days. It's hard, a constant struggle sometimes, but you're strong, capable, a survivor and a fighter even when you don't feel like it.
We can do this.
I know it.
ReplyYou are your own person, you are doing great and the fact that you can understand and dissect your thoughts and choose to live makes you an extremely strong person. Find your peace and do things that make you happy. For me when I was at my lowest that was the hardest part but force yourself to see all the good you have and the world has to offer.
If you feel that you’ll be a burden maybe try speaking to a professional to get it all out. Everything in life is a season, good and bad times but neither last forever, keep being the strong person you are.
ReplyThank you. This really helps, and makes me feel better - nobody has really called me strong before, not about this, though I guess that might be because I hide it from most people. Sometimes it's hard to remember that I can do this, it gets rough. But breaks to get out all the emotion, and people who believe in me, make it easier. Thank you ❤💖❤
ReplyYou are not alone in this world. I don’t know you personally, but you certainly do not seem like the kind of person who would be making others worse off. I myself have struggled with suicidal thoughts. It’s painful and crippling. I pray that you can find an outlet of peace. I always recommend meditation, and just trying to breathe slower when stressed in general. I’m not trying to advertise or anything here, but I personally use ASMR to calm down some. Life is messy. Keep going, we all do the very best that we can. I believe in you <3
ReplyThank you ❤
Reply