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I am dating a married man but it is not as easy as it seems leaving him. I am in love with him and he is my best friend.
We first met when I used to be a childminder for his children. We did flirt subtly and he was there for me though my all my difficult times. After I started a new job he got in touch and we began flirting and meeting up properly. Now he is always busy at his new job as he is very high up and I am quite clingy but we spoke yesterday and he explained that it is hard at the moment because he doesn't know what he is doing but it will get easier.
I know what we are doing is wrong but he's such a gentleman with me that I'm finiding it hard to end things. I've tried several times.
Also we are from 2 different devout religions and backgrounds.
Please can I have non judgemental advice. Thank you.
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Also we have a massive age gap. He is a lot older than me
ReplyHow much? 10? Whatever. Its okay.
Reply13
ReplyOh okay. Nevermind. Jist talk it out.
ReplyI'm sorry to say this but the chances are you aren't as important to him as he is to you. I obviously don't know anything about your situation other than what I've read here, but 99.9% of the times in these situations that's how it is.
Plus, try to think about the scenario whereby you both end up together. Will you really be able to trust a man who would cheat on his wife? What's to stop him doing it again in future?
ReplyI agree :(
ReplyOnce a cheater isn't always a cheater. It depends on the person entirely because people do make mistakes or bad choices. But, this guy comes across greedy AF and can't make up his mind.
ReplyAbove I meant to write he is finding his new job difficult and arrives to work around 7:30am and comes home late also as it is all very alien to him. I know he isn't lying as I am friends with some of his colleagues who say they don't know how he is getting by without any help (he obviously is struggling but they don't know)
ReplyHe lives with his wife?
Donr worry. Just talk it out with him. And decide mutually. And I'm not judging you. Religion doesnt matter.
Take care:)
ReplyYes he lives with her but their marriage is dead. They are together for the sake of the kids. Yes that is very upsetting but true
ReplyThat's what they all will tell you. Lol! They are not going to tell you I love my wife so much but I really just want to bang you.
ReplyHaha ! This is it ! She's only good to him for one thing! Gentlemen finish the first relationship with full honesty and respect... Gentleman or not , this guy is only after what HE CAN get !
Am not judging YOU, but you need to Think why and what makes you think their marriage is dead?? Sorry Sweetheart , you need to pop this bubble he created around you and look about reality ! Good Luck
ReplyIf he cheats on her don’t you think he’ll do the same to you? Think woman think
ReplyI was in your situation. It kept happening with older and similar age guys, and even female friends, who I realize now merely used me. In a sense we were in a twisted game of trying to use each other to fulfill our sick needs and soothe our fears of abandonment. It was for me a safety blanket. I could be in temporary unworkable imaginary relationships that would never really last or truly satisfy me. I liked the fantasy, something I was really good at with myself. I was abused a lot a as teen especially, causing my normal boundaries and feelings to not function like a healthy person. My fill-in friends sometimes provided me things; I hated feeling alone and wanting; unfortunately, the relationships were symbolically built upon sandcastles that eventually naturally crumbled. We were often emotionally, socially, financially, even physically on different wavelengths and levels. We thought at first we related when we connected. We were often both lonely and longing. We also craved excitement. We were not in real working or even workable situations, hence the secrecy, just secretly hurting others and also ourselves. Yesterday I had a phone call actually from one of them. This individual is I realize now a taker, a manipulator. I can't even barely take care of myself hardly so I never bothered answering her yesterday. She likes us to get together, but I realize it's mostly just about her wants and desires, her schedule, what she likes. We don't even share the same lifestyles, music, or hobbies. It's like living in a birdcage. I had to be honest finally and accept I was hurting others by being in adulterous and cheating relationships. Now I feel sad I did what I did. I needlessly and even seriously hurt people. I should have been more honest with myself and the reality of things. I was chasing dreams when I should have been true to others and honest.
ReplyThe thing is I know his wife and she I the one who told me their marriage is dead. They don't do anything for each other e.g cook or iron etc. Their marriage resembles one of a flat share.
Also we haven't had sex successfully yet because I suffer from a condition called vaginismus where my muscles tighten up subconsciously due to past experiences causing me to be scared of penetration. Even though we have wild foreplay I'm not giving him sex so he doesn't have any reason to stay but does. This is why I'm finding it so hard. He is 13 years older.
ReplyAs a person who has fallen in love with someone else while in a long term relationship, I can understand this situation from a different lense perhaps? I would never be physically intimate with another man but on my end I’ve cheated emotionally. Our relationship is emotionally dead, we don’t know each other anymore. We are hanging there for the kids. We still love each other but yes something is missing. If my husband left me, I wouldn’t be surprised, I would be hurt but not surprised. That being said i think (and this is my take on this) maybe take a break until he decides what it is that he wants. It will be more clear to you what his intentions are if you step back, maybe? I think that cheating is always wrong (my personal morals) but I believe you can fall in love with others while married but acting on it is betrayal. I’m not trying to judge you, just my perception.
ReplyI've found your advice to be most helpful as I feel it is non judgemental and from a different point of view. I hope things get better for you. I do need to end things I even tried last night but he persuades me to change my mind but I know I am not his priority although I love him very much
ReplyOf course you love him. Take some time to focus on you. Good luck, you deserve to be someone’s first priority.
ReplyI’m just gonnna go ahead and tell you my story and hope it’s helps.
I dated a married couple on and off for three years. Both of them. But somewhere along the way I got closer to the husband than the wife. We never had sex without his wife but we were emotionally cheating. He would hid his feelings for me from her...do things like whisper that he loved me while she was in the other room. I loved both of them. Eventually the lies got too much for me and I told his wife and my girlfriend the truth. She didn’t believe me at first. He told her I was crazy. That I was a liar. I lost two very important people to me when I admitted the truth but at the end of the day it was what was best for me. I’m no longer his toy. With time and distance I realize that I am much happier putting my energy into people who fully reciprocate it.
ReplyWow.. it sounds like an emotional experience. I'm glad it has made you a better and wiser person though.
The thing I am finding most difficult is that it was not love at first sight. I actually hated him! He was very rude and arrogant. But then he was only ever nice to me and people began to notice. It was over a year before anything even happened as we were just friends. But because I've been exposed to a side nobody has ever seen of him I am in love with him as a person and I can't make it stop even though I too feel like a toy.
ReplyI didn’t love the married man I was talking about at first either. I actually liked his wife a lot more than him when we met. But she was busy and he had more free time to talk to me. It just grew and grew. Part of the reason I told his wife the truth was because I was in love with him and knew I would never stop talking to him as long as he wanted me to. Believe that after I told his wife what was going on he never tried to talk to me again.
ReplyI know how much this hurts you to hear. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I’m not going to lie to you and act like it won’t take you a while to get over but eventually you will move on if you take the steps to get away from that relationship.
ReplyHi, I know it won't be easy but I think you should really end your relationship with him. Don't let it worsen up as it will only hurt both parties in the end, with him being a married man.
ReplyMy advice would be to stop what you are doing. He’s cheating on his wife with you....he probably won’t leave his wife. I know that hurts but he’s already made a commitment to someone else and his neglect of that is a sign of his character.
ReplyYou do you. all theses ladies answering might be wrong
They don't know
Face him say how things should be if he loves you he will
Do the right thing if he does not them it's easy to move on
ReplyThank you I don't think he would leave her as he is a different religion and is literally in it for his children. But he is a good friend to me at the very least and knows my deepest secrets and I know his. For this reason I could never not have him in my life. It is easy for people to think I'm a bad person but until you are in this situation you will never know how hard it is. I am not a homewrecker or evil I am just in love with my best friend 💔. I never thought this would ever happen to me
ReplyLove isn’t an excuse to ruin a marriage. They were in love once too. Never forget that.
ReplyI know but the reason they got married is because he got her pregnant before marriage and it is a shame in his religion to do that
ReplyYou really shouldn’t be taking him seriously. If he’s doing it to his current marriage, what makes you think he won’t do it to you? Do you really think he’s going to leave his wife for you? I know you don’t want it to be judge mental, but honestly you have to hear the truth, and not what you want to hear.
Reply