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My family don't understand that I'm going through severe depression.
5 years ago · 1 · Suicide, +4 · Explicit
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Hi.
I'm a girl from morocco, i live with my family. My problems started when my dad died in 2012. I went through depression and anxiety as i was blaming myself for not spending time with him or even showing him how much i loved him. So i started working and i quit so i can go back to university. I had my BA degree in 2017 and i just can't find any job! My mom keeps telling me that she wants me to find a husband at least and be like the rest of the girls. But i can't! I was sexually assaulted when i was a little girl by the nanny. I didn't and never told anyone. So i guess that's why i can't and i don't like sexual contact. But i can't tell my mom who insists that i should get married and start a family. My brother keeps making fun of me saying that i have no future and that I'm a burden on his and mom's shoulders. I sleep and i wakeup thinking about how I'm gonna commit suicide. But they don't know that. And guess what? Even if i told them they won't get it cause they're a bunch of selfish idiots all they think about is what the people and family gonna say about us. I'm dying everyday.
Tell me what to do or how can i runaway or where should i go... Or even how can i die at peace!!! 😔😔
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Thank you for sharing. I also lost my father. I also was abused by a trusted person. I also live with severe depression. I also struggle with feelings of suicide.
I know for me it has taken time to heal. I don't want to give you the idea it's now a wonderful world for me, but hopefully it gets better.
I know I struggle with trust, love, and intimacy issues. I came to accept I was afraid of trusting anyone. I had to redesign my ideas of what was healthy and what was destructive. I am like you, afraid of relationships, living still in fear. I had to relearn things; for example, I went to school and became a certified massage therapist. I had to learn to touch naked bodies again in a positive, supportive, caring way. I had to relearn it's okay to enjoy some feelings. While perhaps controversial, I took upon privately suntanning and swimming nude, just by myself, but within limits to not overly harm my skin. I needed to restart my own love of my own body too. I was ashamed how possibly my looks led to my abuse; consequently, I started letting my health and appearance slide; today, I exercise regularly, eat healthy (for me I became a vegan), try to sleep appropriately, and do other things to take care of my body, emotions, and self; I live at at a very fit and healthy body weight.
Another thing I did was give myself permission to enjoy self pleasure. Because I was abused by a preschool teacher at a very young age, I was always excited, masturbating most of my life daily, but with no real sense of understanding. Today I mix fantasy, passion, pleasure, sensuality, and emotion into my daily life. I give myself permission to reclaim my body, my feelings, my desires, and my life. I accept it's okay to like what I like, not dictated by shame or insecurities, or the blames and guilts of my past. I discovered what I really like.
I opened up my life to discovery, exploration, and adventure. I also went to the university and completed even a graduate degree and other accomplishments. I refused to live my life out of shame from others. I started reading new books and literature, and expanded my awareness of things. I took up hobbies and interests. I formed my own identity, my own being if you will.
I also became true to myself. I formed my own values, beliefs, perceptions and went after the things I wanted and desired. I did things based on what was right for me and what I valued. I stoped trying to live secrets and actually speaking the truth. I refused to live in isolation or shame any longer. I learned to accept the truth.
I learned life is a journey, not a destination. I sought progress, not perfection. I gave myself permission finally to just try new things, get out from under my shell, take risks, and accept it's even okay to sometimes fail. I widened my horizon and broadened my scope of accepting people. I sought to make amends with myself and stop focusing my energy on disrespectful people. I lived for what really matters.
I hope you can meditate and evaluate what you really want to experience in your life. I hope you find the courage to find your spirit, your purpose on earth. Only you can find your destiny. I hope my thoughts can give you reason to think about what you truly desire in your life. You sound like an incredibly wonderful sensitive interesting person!
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