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Selfish and stupid
5 months ago · · Depression, · Explicit
You'll never read this. And Ive probably lost the oppertunity to say this to you in any way, shape or form. But god I could do with seeing your name on my phone right now.
I know you hate it when I'd talk you up. You'd tell me to stop and that you were just a normal guy, but I failed to let you see that was the reason why you were so special.
I never told you this but when we first met I was horribly depressed. I Kept this from you because I was so scared that you'd leave because I felt like I had completely lost my mind. I saw myself as crazy. And while I didn't think that you'd see it that way, I didn't want to make you feel responsible for me. I'm my own problem, I shouldn't be someone else's.
I guess I came across as crazy anyways telling you how much I appreciated you in my life without explaining why though.
I wasnt myself though. I couldn't eat or sleep. I couldn't think straight or control my thoughts. I knew my reactions to things was disproportionate to the trigger at times. I was having panic attacks and couldn't make it through a single day without crying. I was hurting myself and lying to everyone about what was happening to me.
Amongst all the drama of my family, the stress of work and the bullshit my friend was bringing to me day after day. And with everything going on in my head, you were like a breath of fresh air.
You spoke to me because you found me interesting without any idea of what I was going through. Not because you were concerned for me, or wanted to involve yourself in my drama, but because you wanted to know me.
The act of telling me about your day, or asking about mine, sending me silly snaps - made me smile when I felt like I had no reason to.
I know you'd deny any credit offered to my recovery but I can say that you helped lift me, and without knowing you I'm not sure that I'd of made the progress that I have done.
And now I've gotta do this next part all on my own.... which is fine, I know I can do it. I just miss you so much right now.
And it's selfish because I just need someone to talk to about how trapped and sad I feel... because I'm scared that I'm slipping back into the place I was before I met you.... it's not because you're gone. Things just get too much sometimes.... I miss the distraction of meaning something to someone that you used to bring....
I know that seeing your name on my phone would make me smile.... and it's selfish.... because we don't talk anymore... we haven't for a while now...
I know that if I reached out to you right now, and told you all of this that you'd message me back and tell me everything will be okay. But I won't because it's selfish...
You're on the other side of the world right now, having the adventure of a lifetime and I don't want to take a moment of that away from you.
I slipped your mind a while ago... and somedays I hope that you regret that. It's selfish for me to say that. Because I'm not the girl that you wanted.
But I still hope, even if I know it's dumb of me too. Because I should know better than to let someone who ghosted me haunt me....but for you... I'd always make time for you....
Because I'm stupid and selfish....
I love you.
And I say that with the most innocent of intentions. I'll always be grateful for those small little acts done without any knowledge of their impact on me. You'll always be that person to me.