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it is me
6 months ago · · trust issues,
Ever since I was little I always wondered why do I belong in this world, what is my purpose, where is this life of mine gonna take me. I am not perfect I haven't had the best of luck and I do not live in a family where everyone is happy and skipping along we cry, I cry but that does not mean I am weak it means that I have had a hard life and sometimes people don't understand that my tears are full of anger, fear and hatred, not sadness because if it is sadness i am being weak and I can't be weak I need to be strong for my broken family and all we have been through in this world. All though they do not rely on me to be the glue I do I am the glue that tries my hardest to keep us together and so we do not fall apart when we argue we need to be strong and make sure that whenever someone walks in our lives we do not break again when they leave. because we have been through it too many times to not understand what it is like and how it feels.
In there, eyes I am just a kid. A kid that needs to stop worrying about everyone else and worry about her self for one. I can not let them know that when I go to bed I sit up for hours on end thinking and crying to my self what would have happened if he didn't do this what would have happened if she didn't meet him but then I think if it never happened I wouldn't be where I am today I wouldn't have been through what I needed to go through to know that the first person to ever leave me would be the first person to make me strong enough to see what is behind the eyes of kindness and lies.
My dad, I have never met he was an abusive alcoholic (mentally and physically) who left me before I was not even 2. My stepdad is the same but with him, I remember the things that I wish I hadn't they have scared me they have made me realize to have little trust in everyone I meet I do not let people in easily I have a mind that is messed up from the experiences no one would ever want to go through. I tell myself it's going to be okay but then I hear him back at my doorstep all over again and then all of these thoughts come rushing back to my head its the same routine that has messed me up. that has made me question why does it have to be me what have I done to deserve the life I am living why does everything I do seem to hurt the people I love sometimes I wish I could just go and leave but then I remember I am the glue that holds us together and I cannot leave them like they left us broken and bruised.