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Today I read a tweet from a mutual friend that read: “My brother is dead and I don’t know what life is anymore. 22 years old. It’s not fair”
“22 years old. It’s not fair”. I remember saying those EXACT words when my sister died. “It’s not fair”.
I prayed to God. Begged him to bring her back. Begged him to take me instead. What understanding of death does a 9 year old have?
To be honest, I don’t know how I coped. My mum sent me to school the next day. Desperately tried to recover any scraps of normality that could be found.
They say grief has 5 stages. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
I remember the denial. Feeling like nothing was real. Feeling like it will all be fine and that it can’t be that bad. I recall saying “I feel better already” on the same evening as the day she died.
Anger has come and gone many a time. I wanted to kill her hospital doctors. I’ve been angry at my mum for things I’ve found out about their relationship. I was angry at her for aborting her own child. So that I could still have a tiny piece of her with me.
Bargaining was a massive stage that stuck with me for 10 years consistently. “What if I didn’t let her leave on that day?” “What if I woke up and told mum that she’d gone to the hospital?”. “Is it my fault that she died?” The honest answer is we don’t know. As a third year medic, I’m aware that the SLE probably would have gotten worse. She had undergone an amputation so her quality of life would have been diminished. She would have been at risk of heart, respiratory and renal failure. She was tired all the time and unhappy with herself. She would have ended up depressed. I find comfort in the fact that maybe it was for the best? In a way, I can see now that I’m lucky to be able to think that. Losing someone for no good reason at all must be so painful. But maybe she could’ve gone into remission and lived a long and healthy lie. As I said, at the end of the day, we just do not know.
Depression was my clinical diagnosis at 17, although I remember having mild suicidal thoughts from 13. I used to self harm. I was suicidal. I walked myself to the train tracks once afterschool but I just could not do it. My sister was a main point of my therapy. I discovered that I was hung up on the idea that it could have been my fault and that life could have been much better if she was still here. That’s the thing about grief, it makes you think irrationally and you can’t see otherwise until it’s time to see otherwise. An objective opinion can really help. Therapy is not a quick fix, do not get me wrong. I had counselling at 12/13 because I was having visions of my sister in her coffin. It didn’t help because the grief process will take as long as it wants. You cannot hurry it.
10 years + on, I finally began to reach acceptance. I don’t know what changed, honestly. I just stopped living in the past. I cannot bring her back. She’s gone. I can only hope that she’s watching over me, proud of her little sister. Acceptance doesn’t mean that the pain goes away, it never goes away. It just feels less raw. Less red and angry. Less new. In a way, I miss the rawness of grief. I used to get a red, hot burning in my chest when I cried in grief. I could feel like I felt when it first happened. I haven’t felt that in a while and it makes me feel like I’m forgetting. I have vague memories of her voice. I can’t remember what her laugh sounded like. I’m afraid of forgetting everything.
Things definitely would have been different. But that does not mean that they would have been better, for either of us. Grief is a process and from the finish line, I can only wish the best for those at the start. I used to want to make grief go away. But now I’m grateful for grief. I realise that it’s a reminder of who she was. How she made me feel and what she meant to me. I am grateful for grief because I have accepted that I cannot change the past.
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Well, life isn't fair. And we all go eventually!
So be happy with the life that you have already. And don't wish that any of your siblings weren't alive or related to you. They're your family! They're all you have!
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