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I'm Worthless
5 years ago · 1 · Explicit
92
I know that I am nothing special. Never have been. Never will be. It doesn't stop me from putting on a fake smile everyday just so I can keep it together so no one sees how truly broken I am. I hate the way I look, the way I act, I just hate everything about me which is a horrible thing but I can't help it. I don't know what else to do. I've been called names. I've been told how worthless I am. I have done nothing but cry myself to sleep for the past 4 days. I want to talk to someone but I just can't. I just feel so broken. I'm tired of being a burden on people. I want to talk to my boyfriend but I can't cause I don't wanna lose him. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life and I am trying so hard not to mess it up like I usually do. I just feel so worthless, useless, a waste of space, and so much more. I just want to end my suffering. I know people that read this might think I am being overdramatic that's fine but if you knew what i've been thro you would completely understand why I feel this way. I have an alcoholic father who was mentally and physically abusive and my brother for as long as I can remember has been really abusive to me to. I have never felt this down in such a long time. I have never felt so alone in my whole life. I just want one person to sit down and just listen to what I have to say so I can air it all out now. But at the same time I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to go away forever if i'm being honest. I am terrified to leave forever but at the same time I feel like it might be for the best and good for everyone's sake if I did. My boyfriend can go find someone better. Someone who has there shit together mentally and physically. That would be good for him but at the same time I don't want to let him go. He has been my best friend since 5th grade and I have finally got him and I have fallen so hard for him but it's like all the songs "If you love me let me go" and i'd hate to do it but I don't see any other choice anymore. I bottle way to much stuff inside until I finally break. I'm tired of being everyone's burden I just want to scream and disappear forever. I can't take it anymore. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I don't take care of myself. I fuck up everything. I mess everything up. I can't even do good in school anymore and I am trying so hard. My boyfriend I can't talk to cause I don't wanna lose him. My family will say i'm being "over dramatic" or tell me i'm stupid and my sisters fiance is only talking to me because of my sister and i see that and it pains me cause I just want one person who cares just one. My best friend I can hardly talk to her anymore cause she doesn't listen or she's to busy doin something or hanging out with her boyfriend so I don't talk to her that much anymore. I just let her air her stuff out and then move on. I don't even know why I am writin this because I know in the long run it's not gonna help, it's not gonna help me. But I don't know what else to do anymore. I have literally tried everything and nothing works. But anyways I just hate myself so much and I just want to disappear forever and say fuck this cause clearly I was born way before I should have been and I'm not really suppose to be here right now.. I'd hate to say this cause it pains me but no one truly cares. My boyfriend went to bed when I texted everyone that I was sorry that they were stuck with me. Granted I didn't really respond to him for a while but it's not like I can straight out say hey i really wanna kill myself right now or hey i really want to hurt myself really bad. cause i mean hey that's a perfect way to start a conversation not.
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