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I ask myself this question a lot...
I'm in a mental state where I want to be dead, but I don't want to die.
I am in a trapped place where I feel nobody can help me. My family doesn't know I am suffering, all my friends know it. I have gotten very good at hiding it, the pain, depression...the scars.
I have been thinking if I should see my counselor. But the only reason I am like this, is because i'm too scared to get help or ask for it. I feel that I am useless, and pathetic. I saw her today, and I changed my mind. I would rather suffer than get help at this point. It's gonna be over when I move out.
This thing that makes me feel trapped...Is my mother. She mentally abuses me and my other siblings, I am the middle child of 3. My sister is 3 years ahead, by brother is one year behind. She has made threats on my life, shes said she strangle me to death, once even threatened to shove a knife down my throat. I don't know whats wrong with my mom. I have stopped caring, but she's still my mother.
We don't live with my father because of their divorce. When I'm 16, i'm not waiting. I'm going to tell him, i don't want to live by my mom anymore. All she does is scream, yell, she treats us like dogs. My dad pays her around 2,000 every month, she doesn't use it on us.
This is getting to hard for me to write. I feel like i want to run a sharp item down my arm and draw blood. I can't keep living like this. I'm going insane, I've gone numb to the feeling of pity, despair, hope... If you looked at younger me, and me now. They seem the same. But one fights the feeling of depression while the other one went home, did homework, played with her dolls and went to bed after a warm shower and a full tummy. I starve myself sometimes to distract myself from the pain.
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Sorry if this wasn't helpful, I just didn't really know what else to say, so I just... tried?
ReplyPlease reach out to your dad or extended family that will be willing to help you or even have you stay with them. Your mom shouldn't be saying or doing things like that, she needs help. I highly suggest seeing the counselor though because it does help, even if it's hard to go but trust me, things will get better. Just know there is hope and you're so strong, beautiful and amazing.
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