What are you looking for?
2 months ago · · Thoughts,
How did this happen? How did I get to be this person?
From 16 Year old care free, wild, couldn't tell me anything, funny & cheerful.
To me now, 28 years old, scared, angry, bitter, lonely, controlling, sad.
In the past 4 years, I've lost friends, close friends. not just friends who wither away as time goes on. I lost friends that I thought I would have the rest of my days.
I used to think that friendships were forever. They were the one thing I believed in when my heart had failed me.
And love...hm, I'm married, and while i love my husband, I have loved another for the last 11 years. Before I ever met my husband. Someone left such a tormenting imprint on my heart that 11 years later and still loving someone else. The torment of his love and stolen my dreams lives on. My heart is shared and in constant tug of war. Not for my body but for my thoughts.
A mother of two, beautiful, smart, sweet, most of the time pains in my asses. But even pains, they give me the most joy in my life.
however I have lost myself in the mix, some things were good for being lost, but I think I would have rather grown than lost them.
Most of the time, I don't realize how alone I feel, because of my chaotic life and when i'm not busy, i'm usually dealing with other issues that keep me from the source of my true sadness. But then there are times, where everything is still and my loneliness hits me like stones.
My stillness is over now, back to things I must go.