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Why am I sad?
2 months ago · · Stress,
I’m tired of the question “how are you?” In our culture.
I have to think of any adjective that means good. Fine, ok, great, alright.
I don’t know if I am, though.
I honestly don’t know if it’s possible to have on and off depression, maybe I’m just being naive and stupid. I feel anxious about a lot of things. I know everyone else is too. Everyone on this planet.
I feel like I don’t know who I am. Everytime I try to explore or state an opinion or argument, it feels like I’m turned away immediately. I feel empty at moments, then ok in an hour. I’ve been really tired lately. The gray winter weather isn’t helping.
I have trouble eating. I always feel like throwing up when I eat breakfast. Even at dinner, I sometimes just sit and stare at my food for awhile.
I worry about the people around me, my family. My sibling and my parents aren’t getting along very well. I guess that’s the whole coming of age thing, though. I don’t like the tense atmosphere anymore. There’s always something annoying or stressful happening. Something to do to lead to what the hell am i going to be in life.
This country is f’ed up with its stupid college system. I hate it so much. It ruins people’s lives, holds them back financially and causes a great deal of unhappiness. Why does it cost so damn much? The answer is the same as always, someone wants to line their pockets.
I know I’m rambling, but I have these moments where I’m disgusted at the idea that I’m human. I don’t like it. I hate how much evil is in this world. It drags me down with the thought that I can never put a stop to all of it. I am so lonely inside, because I feel that no one will truly understand how I feel or think.
Are you depressed when you feel like puking while eating a normal and healthy amount of food? I don’t make myself puke or eat too much, so I do not believe I have an eating disorder. I’m an average weight.
Are you depressed when you feel abandoned by your best friend but eventually become numb to the idea that they’ve moved on, that you’re independent now?
Are you depressed when something always seems to be hurting physically?
I don’t want to see a psychologist. I just want less worry over the health of others. I want less conflict in my household. These annoying arguments everyone seems to get into.
And oh, I know, believe me, that there are people out there who are in much worse conditions. People who are starving, have diseases, lose loved ones, are in abusive relationships.
I should be happy. There is food on the table, my family loves me, I have a nice dog, we have a safe and nice house.
So why does everything seem so bleak to me???