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I fell in love.
That was my first mistake, I guess. Only it wasn't a mistake. Most people would call it that, I guess, but I don't think I'll ever think of him as a mistake, because he was worth it. He was worth it back then, when I was emotionally clumsy and unsure. He was worth it back when it was all butterflies and tinted vision. He was worth it when a crush faded and came back as something lasting and stronger called love. But most importantly, he was worth it when he broke my heart and I broke down sobbing. He was worth every tear shed, every stifled, gut-wrenching sob. He was worth the hollow feeling when I realized that he was never going to be mine, and he was worth the bittersweet feeling that took its place when I decided I loved him reguardless, no strings attached.
He was not a mistake.
Falling in love was good for me. I'm different now than I was before. I don't believe the rule of thumb - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - is accurate. But I'm alive. And I'm stronger.
I think my real mistake has always been playing God.
I don't know why I do it. Why I blame myself for everything. But every time someone gets hurt, there I go, telling myself that I could have saved them. And I didn't. So what good am I? I try so hard to help everyone because the idea of losing just one person makes me want to scream and sob and fight.
That mentality has helped in some ways, I won't lie. It's given me drive to go the extra mile to save someone from a threat, or even from themselves. But it's not healthy. Because when people do fall, I fall apart. I tried so hard not to hurt anyone that I hurt EVERYONE. Including myself.
When I lost him, I didn't really lose him. He's fine. Without me, that was the kicker, the spear in my chest. I fell in love with someone unattainable, *again*. I really should stop doing that.
My point is...
Love is good.
When you get your heart broken it's so easy to curse love. To swear off ever using your heart or getting close to people. To become bitter and angry. I almost did. But in the end... When you love someone that much, you're willing to keep loving them without forcing your feelings as a burden on them. You're willing to keep this love one-sided because it still feels amazing to love someone, and to see them happy, and to watch them grow. And you're prepared to hurt a little, and if you're not, you move on.
Love is good.
Remember that, my brokenhearted friends. When you get hurt, don't let it destroy you, don't let the pain win by becoming bitter and resentful and angry. Love! Keep loving. If you don't want to love them anymore, love someone else - love the world and your family and the air you breathe.
But most importantly, love yourself.
Because despite everything, love is good.
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Yes! great take!
ReplyThis is beautiful and I needed this. Thank you!
ReplyMy only hope that's left is love. But it seems imposible, at least in my case.
ReplyThank you so so so so so so so much!! This really helped me. Best wishes and blessings to you. What you just said was a huge blessing.
Reply