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The Things I Remember
2 months ago · · Poetry,
The day we met,
When you sat down next to me,
And you told me you liked my energy,
The calming quality you said I possessed.
And you smiled at me.
I never knew boys could smile like that -
So genuine and warm.
Your room the first time I was there,
The first night we met,
When you asked me if I wanted to smoke.
I was scared of you then,
But you took my fear away.
I was surprised that night when I found out you were an artist.
You never did stop surprising me.
Sitting on the grass behind my building,
Against a chain-link fence,
Watching the stars.
Why was I never sober with you?
Why was I so afraid?
Stumbling down the street to you.
We hadn’t spoken all day.
The grass was wet but when I sat on your lap you only protested half-heartedly.
I think you knew I missed you.
I hope you knew.
A Saturday in the woods,
Off the beaten path,
Our pupils blown wide,
Imagining impossible scenarios,
Talking to the plants.
And when I cried you pretended not to notice.
And when you cried I did the same.
Walking back to your car.
You told me:
“You’re always so quiet.”
I told you:
“You had better get used to it.”
I always sounded so much harsher than I meant to with you.
A lazy Sunday,
Your hair messy and falling around your face.
That was how I liked it best,
But you insisted it looked better slicked back.
I think I liked it messy because it made you seem more real, less perfect.
Your perfection always threatened me.
Many people less perfect than you had disregarded me.
Studying with you in the afternoon,
Sharing our music
(You would listen to mine even though you didn’t like my taste),
Spinning around and around in those chairs
Until we could barely stand.
Falling down laughing,
Falling again and again.
The day it ended,
When we didn’t talk at all.
I waited all day to hear from you;
I should have known then.
I waited days after that, too.
When I finally saw you,
It had changed.
The day I realized it had ended,
When you told me you wanted to be friends,
And I said that was what I wanted, too.
And then I erased you.
(It wasn’t what I wanted).
(I still don’t know what I wanted).
(I wanted you).
These are the things I remember,
These and many more.
They come to me in flashes,
Seemingly at random,
Gone as fast as they came.
When they’re gone I am relieved.
You are gone, and I am relieved.