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Dear Adam,
I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from – again. I have finally admitted to myself just how immature I was throughout most of our relationship and I want you to know that since having my son, I have told myself some home truths. I know I have reached out before and I thought it would heal me, but it still hurts and I didn't find the peace I wanted.
I was very selfish in our relationship, I didn't take in how stressed it must have made you feel to balance a full time job, being a sole parent and making time to see me. I made it all about me and you just went with it. You are the only person to ever try and understand my anxiety, to read about coping methods and to talk me down. I took advantage of you and your thoughtfulness and I am sorry. I never truly appreciated how much you loved me and how much time you gave up for me. I never appreciated the fact you wanted me to be D's step mother in the future and now I see it is one of the biggest honour someone has ever presented me, to know that you thought that when I was ready, that's what you wanted for D.
You are the only person I have romantically loved and I will always care for you. I will always have the upmost respect for you and I am truly gutted that I can't make amends with you now I have grown up and realised where I went so wrong. I wish we could make things work now, but I understand you are happy and you have moved on.
When your ex wife died, that was the one the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I'm sorry for not knowing how to handle the situation and I wish I was there for you more throughout that period. Again, it was probably down to my selfishness.
I handled our break up terribly. I never wanted to do it over text and I went off the rails afterwards. Please know that I ended it out of love. I loved you so much, I just couldn't be a step mother to D at that time even though I tried so hard to accept it. I felt the only choice I had was to be fair and end it, giving you a chance to find someone more suitable for D in the future rather than carry on pretending to be ok when I really wasn't. I broke my own heart doing that and it still hurts to this day, knowing you're happy with someone else.
I'm really sorry for accusing you of cheating on me. I just felt you slip away as soon as I ended it that I wanted your attention any way I could get it. I'm also sorry I was rude to you when you asked to talk to me a few months after when I saw you out. That is a big regret of mine, but I was full of different emotions and I knew I wouldn't have been able to contain them.
I have grown as a person and realised a few things. I realised I was selfish and full of suppressed anger. I realised I was trying to fill the hole my dad has left, when really you were making me a better person each day. I have realised how much I miss our chats, how thoughtful you were towards me and how much I took advantage of that and didn’t appreciate you the way I should have done. Today, I spend more time helping my friends with their issues and not making it about myself. I spend more time trying to understand things I don’t quite get rather than being ignorant. I spend more time appreciating what I have and what people do for me. I have realised these were your traits, so I thank you for them and wish I had used them sooner. I know I turned my feelings off towards the end of our relationship, because I knew what had to happen and I did it to protect myself. I didn’t do this intentionally, it’s just a defensive mechanism I am still working on.
I think about you a lot, I compare everyone to you. I always wonder if you still think about me at all, but I understand you probably don't. If there is any chance that you want to speak to me, please reach out as I would really love to hear from you, even just to let me know how you are doing.
Hope to hear from you,
G
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