What are you looking for?
6 months ago · · mental health,
I listen to your songs as I try to sleep.
I listen to your songs as I drive.
I listen to your songs when I am happy.
I listen to your songs when I am distraught.
I talked to you earlier and I’m not sure how to cope anymore.
I’m scared and lonely and sometimes just want it all to end.
Why am I even doing half of this stuff?
Was it to try have a sense of worth. Do I even want this life in a years time?
I feel trapped.
In what I’m doing, how I’m living, where I am. Without you.
My mind can’t help but wander.
I distract myself but at the end of the day you’re always on my mind.
I’m infected. I’ve tried to cope, move on, live alongside the beast.... but I’m not sure how much longer it can stay tamed.
The darkness is coming back.
Though it is my first instinct, I can’t even tell you cause I promised you I’d be ok.
Every time we talk, the distance seems more evident.
Like a phone line gone dead.
I want the earth to swallow me whole.
I’ve got everything I know I need to keep me happy. My friends. My music. My sport. My dog. My family. Except I feel like someone is always missing. And if I picture them, they always seems to take your shape.
It makes me feel like a child.
I know it’s not cause I’m young.
I am genuinely terrified.
You were the one.
You are the one.
You will always be the one.
I don’t want to move on. It’s scares me to think that could be harder than what I am feeling now. You give me purpose. Even if it means nothing on the other end of the line.
When people ask how I’m doing, I used to be able to say I’m keeping busy. Now it is just a lie. Now even when I am busy, my mind always finds a way back to the darkness.
What scares me is that when i am neither happy nor sad nor angry nor content, my brain takes comfort in the darkness. My normal is the dark.
You took it away. I didn’t think it would have the strength to come back.
But it seems stronger than ever.
I’m falling apart.
But I don’t think I want to be put back together.