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Anxiety and scared of being alone?
9 months ago · · Explicit
I don’t think anyone knows the actual definition of anxiety. Its unique to every individual. Theres just general anxiety where theres panic attacks and anxiety attacks and theres different others. Me, mainly, I’m not sure. My mom has really bad anxiety, and I sort of feel guilty for getting it because maybe its not real? I see her struggle so much sometimes, but then sometimes I question the constant stomach curling feeling I get, is that anxiety or not? I sometimes suffer quite bad, a lot to do with friendships. I sometimes feel like I’ll always be alone, and never have any friends, but then sometimes I think of the friends I do have. Are some friends more important than others? Why do I let so much bother me when it comes to them? Quality of quantity? Why do I have this feeling of dread that everyone hates me or is going to leave me, when technically I’ve not been any different or done anything different to when they did like me hahaha. Its weird, even just writing this, I’m feeling slightly better for getting everything out. Or am I? Is that just what I want to think? Is this anxiety? Relationships. My god anxiety. Again, scared to be alone I think is the fear here. I’m more scared of not being able to cope on my own and having to go through a heartbreak again. Heartbreak actually fucked me up hahaha. To me, with this anxiety I have, that’s what I think is similar to heartbreak, constant feeling of dread, stomach hurting, feeling a bit lost, when in reality, everything is actually fine. I have friends, I have a good few friends, not loads, but some who care about me. Theyre not the perfect friends, and the group, especially atm is disbanding, but why am I being sucked into something eg like thinking I need attention all the time from them to feel loved, when I know that’s what angers me hahaha. Friends don’t need to speak alllll the time to have a friendship. I have the odd few that I know I can text, andsurely that’s better than some shit friends, which, some of them are hahaha. Actually, I do feel better writing this, this is weird hahaha. Ive never been one to write out my emotions, but actually, its working. Back onto relationships loool, why am I so fucked up is the main question? Trust issues, bigggg deal, I’d like to think ive only ever loved 2 girls I’ve been with. My first love, she was a massive massive deal to me. I’d never been in love before, but anyway, she cheated on me, but I stayed with her because I loved her, and mainly because the heartbreak killed me, am I doing the same with the girl im with now? I don’t know, I struggled to like her at the beginning, and I think that really upset her. I wish I did, but just coming out of a relationship, idk, I just didn’t see anything there. And then now I literally adore her, and it upsets me hahaha, Im setting myself up for heartbreak right? I’d like to think not. She says she loves me but maybe because that’s easier for her? Me being there and her not having to deal with someone whos weird and obsessed during a breakup, so it would be easier for her to stay, for the time being anyway hahaha. But then weve ish planned a future, she said she wanted me to be a dog mom with her, and oh my god ive never felt so happy hahaha, so again, is this anxiety?
This post makes me sound weird, but all in all, I sort of feel guilty for having anxiety, and I need to get rid of it, tbh I think im just scared of being alone.