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Am I afraid of love?
6 months ago · · Love advice , · Explicit
It was seemingly another lifetime ago due to how different everything is now.
I'm a victim of sexual assault with PTSD, I've worked on a lot of healing in the meantime but HE reared his face around again. I cannot handle this, just when the nightmare where starting to subside, just when I got a new boyfriend and everything was starting to be okay again. HE isn't supposed to be near me, look at me, let alone even talk to me. Of all things, though I'm more concerned about the safety of others due to the fact, he doesn't like to play fair and I care about others too much.
He's from the sticks of Idaho falls, and I was a suburb girl of Massachusetts. We ended up moving to a little town in PA, in the middle of nowhere, around the same time. I always thought it was kinda odd how that happened. I was that one person who thought that he just needed a friend, guess where that landed me. I never really noticed him much until we hit high school, he gave me a piece of paper while I was walking to Biology. It was a love note... It makes me so frustrated how pretty much everyone's first love was much nicer than mine. I can't even remember all of the nice memories anymore, either way, it was a part of his facade. It was too perfect, I can't help but think back on how blind I was.
Granted I was luckier than most, I still wanted justice so when IT happened I eventually told my parents through my school and we went to the police. I at least left a nice dent of his legal record, but like I said he doesn't play fair... At least he just turned eighteen at the time. I want to skip most of the horror, simply because at this time it doesn't matter. The fact that he tried rearing his face back into my life, caused all of those memories came back...
I feel awful for my boyfriend, having to watch me break down night after night. He sat me down and mentioned that I might not be ready for a relationship yet, I don't know what to do. My mind is jumbled and screaming, my heats aches, and my arms crave someone to hold. I am a fighter however, I was that way since I was born and I will survive. I told him that, and he believes in me. I may live in fear to leave my house and might face my ex, I'll be okay. Sure the police won't do much, I'll get by though.