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my day in partial hospitalization diary entry
2 months ago · · diary, · Explicit
today e******'s teapot was a small, lime-green one. he talked about how he relapsed this past week and pulled down his shirt to show us the scars from it on his chest. when j****** asked how/why it happened, he said, "i dont know. i wasnt there."
there is a new kid named l****. he had hot pink hair and a lil peep sweatshirt. he was really quiet. he only spoke when spoken to. only said yes, no, or i dont know. but the way he said it was so matter-of-fact, as if we were in army training.
during art time, i became unbearably anxious. i stormed out of the room and tried to leg it out the building, but i was caught. i ended up sitting out in the waiting room, stunned to muteness, in the fetal position. j****** kept going, what triggered you? what triggered you? its only painting. its only painting. you need to go back in its only painting. oh so youre not gonna respond huh? she was so pissed, so inconvenienced, and she made it very clear. she left eventually, telling m**** to keep on eye on me and to make sure i didnt leave. i sat out in silence, just staring into space and losing myself in thought.
e****** came out to check up on me. he seemed legitimately concerned. he asked if i was okay. i told him, yes, thank you. he said to let him know if i needed anything. i will, thank you. i could mutter anything more. i couldn't open up my body or look him in the eye. but i knew it was genuine. i know he cares. he left almost begrudgingly. k**** came in and asked if i would come in when it was her turn to take over group. i told her yes.
in k****'s group, we took a self-help quiz on unhealthy attachment styles. my result was: "Severe Need for Concern & Intervention." in the middle of it, i was pulled out by a therapist named b*** who i hadnt met before. she asked me a bunch of questions regarding what i do for fun. i listed everything, but i realized it sounded unimpressive, so i added, "i also enjoy to crochet." what? i thought, i don't crochet...
at the end of the day, i gave e****** a pathetic thank you. it wasn't enough but it will have to do. i know him and i could be friends under different circumstances, and i have been mulling on that a lot lately. it hurts. tomorrow should be his last day, so long as he stays clean until then.