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6 years time, an unsent letter
6 months ago · · trigger warning, · Explicit
You hurt me, so much, in ways unimaginable by others. You were not only my first love but my first a lot of things. My first kiss. My first "real" boyfriend. My first long distance. My first sexual act. My first heartbreak. My first mess. My first drama. My first pain. My first rape. My first experience with death. You have introduced me to the real world full of hate, pain, and anger. You have damaged me mentally and physically. But I never stopped loving you and caring for you. You told me you loved me, made me feel like I was worth trying for. You made me feel worthy of life and love and then you took it away in the blink of an eye. Why would someone that loved me yell at me for talking to other people? Why would someone that loved me want to force me to have sex with them? Why would someone that loved me beat me and rape me? Why would someone that loved me blackmail me with drug use and suicide? I would probably still fall for someone like you today, but because of you, I will walk away. I will be able to walk away before I feel that kind of pain again. You took away my innocence and childhood and for that, I will never forgive you.
You died 8 months after that first time. You abused me so many times and I let you. I let you convince me that it was because you loved me. God, I sound so stupid just typing this because how could a 13-year-old have really lived a life like this. You made that possible. You made my life a living hell. And I have scars on my wrist and a suicide attempt to show for that. I still cared for you though because I knew you had your own battles. I thought I could rid you of your demons but instead, I just let them bury inside of me and I carry them around with me even today. I thought that I could be the reason you stopped using and abusing. I grew up so quickly so you could slow down.
I could never help you though because if I could, you wouldn't be dead right now. If I could have helped you I wouldn't have gotten a text message from your mom at 2:27 am on the morning of February 9th saying that they found you overdosed on drugs. I wouldn't have gotten that other text message at 11:57 am of February 11th saying you were dead. I wouldn't have grieved over my rapist for several months. I wouldn't have started cutting myself and telling myself that it was my fault that you were gone. I felt so bad for cutting you out of my life. How fucking dumb of me to feel bad for letting go of an abuser? I thought I could change you but I couldn't.
But you changed me... a fuck ton. My time with you, you can already imagine the impact. My time after you, you wouldn't have seen this coming. You loved my curves and my unapologetic love for food? Gone. Anorexia and Bulimia. You loved my smile and laugh? Gone. Severe depression, PTSD, anxiety. You loved how much passion I had for the violin? Gone. Stopped playing completely, until my mom forced me into private lessons. I wanted all of you gone from me but I could never let it go. I soon started to heal for myself. I fought my own mind and body and started to eat again and started to let people make me happy but that took a long time because the pain you gave me is infinite. But so is the strength. So FUCK YOU, but thank you. I will never in my life forgive you but I will never forget you, even if I want to, but that makes me stronger with every breath I take.
P.S. I can't love someone anymore. I couldn't even have sex without crying and I learned to but I still can't be sober and I feel bad for every guy because he will never know that I don't enjoy their company purely because being intimate is hard for me to accept. I turned to one night stands hoping knowing I won't have long term connections would help but every time I struggle to feel comfortable so fucking hate you for that as well.