What are you looking for?
All I have is hope.
4 months ago · · Friendship,
My heart aches for one I admire deeply. There’s not a person I’ve met in my 21 years of life that has made me feel more of myself than she has. She’s in college and in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years now. I, however, have not been in a stable relationship for some years now. We know each other very well and we’re very close because we’ve been best friends for 4 years.
When we met, we grew quickly to each other and formed a relationship weeks after getting to know each other. Since our meeting came about from a overseas travel opportunity, we were bound to seperate as quick as we met. From that point our relationship together ended but our friendship still remained.
Overtime, our long-distance relationship grew stronger. Phonecalls and daily text messages was our only ways of communication. She would have guy problems (she had a rough breakup) I would be there. Whenever I had problems she was always quick to help me out likewise. I appreciated our friendship completely however, I was much interested in something more. It was hard to face the fact that the only thing that kept that from happening was our distance, (at this time we were both living in Texas.)
Then, one day I told her how I felt, everything I felt was balling up inside me and she was really my only friend to talk to. It seemed like tried to easily settle the feelings I had without hurting me, as if she did not feel the same way about me. This made me extremely sad, hurt for weeks. Our communication slowly depreciated which only caused more harm for me. I would have dreams of her after long, emotional nights of thinking of her.
About a month passed, our communication grew back to our original state if not, more. I knew in the back of my mind that my feelings for her still exist but I was too afriad to bring it up in fear of experiancing the hurt I felt before. I stuffed it further back into myself, more than I did before. I tried many relationships with others to attempt to replace her thoughts with someone else. Of course they never worked, they never did. With these failed relationships I realized that I was never going to be happy again.
After a year, she went on to college out of state, further away from where I lived. Naturally, our communication slowed down due to the fact that she was much busier now with school work. Weeks after starting school she found a guy that she really liked and started dating him. I felt like she was putting our friendship on the backburner and more focused on the new friends she made while in school.
This led me to believe that my hope for one day having a chance to be with her has ended. Our friendship was still strong, but the sun was long gone for me to capture. It was at this moment in my life that I believe has led me to my depression that I still struggle with today. I lay alone in bed wondering if I will ever be as happy as I could have. I overthink things, a lot. To this day, I still want to be with her. I truly believe she is the one for me, but I am saddend by the fact I may not be the one for her, or so I believe.
“Hope was a letter I never could send,
Well love was a country we couldn’t defend.”